Choosing to Wrestle

I hate being misunderstood.  I hate suspecting something about someone and having to wait in order to talk to them to get the truth.  I hate being in that uncomfortable place where what I am faced with or my thoughts are unresolved. 

Saturday was our ‘day off’ – I put that in inverted commas because really it was not a day off and really we need to stop looking at it like that because when you have three children under 6, you are blessed to get an hour or two off – a day a week would be unthinkable!

We decided to go into the nicer part of Lima to see the flower show announcing the beginning of Spring here.  We looked around at the beautiful flowers and the boys got restless and we thought about where we could go for a treat.  Knowing there was a doughnut house just around the corner, we suggested the idea to the boys whose eyes lit up and their energy renewed all of a sudden.

We ordered 7 donuts for the 5 of us because it was cheaper than buying 4 separately (Kaleb being 1, doesn’t need a whole one yet!), and we began to eat.

A girl and her brother stood beside us with a cup, begging inside the café.  I immediately felt angry for the children that their mother had sent them to beg on her behalf and looked around for the mother.  About 30 seconds later she appeared and demanded that we give our spare two donuts to the children.  Reacting to her indignant rudeness, we told her ‘no’ and she gathered up her children, cursing us as she left.

Now, our reaction was something that I have had to wrestle with a lot.  Mainly because I know that if I had not been put on the spot, and if she had asked politely, I would have gladly given her the donuts – in fact, I would have been happy to buy them all their own – but in that moment, when I was caught off guard, on our ‘day off’ what came out was in fact a rotten testimony of Jesus.  In reaction to her rudeness and our judgment of her, we were unable to get past that and reach out in the opposite spirit. I mean, Jesus’ words say in Luke 6:28-30:

 bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 

At the time I had felt set up.  I felt like the lady had seen our white skin, seen our children and assumed we had loads of spare money.  Didn’t she know we are not rich tourists? Then I felt bad because I knew the Jesus thing to do would have been to give them the donuts, despite the way she treated us, and I looked for her everywhere but she had gone.

A situation I would never be able to resolve.  

How very uncomfortable.

It left me with a choice.  Either to bury my shame and try and justify ourselves, or to wrestle with the uncomfortableness and let that lead me to think differently -  to have true repentance. 

Before I would have just ignored my feelings – too ashamed. This time I choose to wrestle.  Even writing about what happened here is part of that wrestling.

But as I began to wrestle with my attitude and my knee-jerk reaction (because God says what comes out of our mouth shows what is in our hearts), I see areas of my life that need some 180 degree repentance. 

  

And that I need to be prepared so I am not caught off guard.  

Firstly, I need to see my ‘day off’ as still a day when God can use me to minister and reach out to others – not just a day to switch off.  I need to be proactive in asking Him if there is anything special that He has for us that day, or even invite Him to use us on that day.  

Secondly, we need to create ‘extra’ in our lives specifically to be able to reach out to others – not harvest the edges of our field, so to speak, - for example, make sure we cook an extra meal or two so any unexpected visitors are welcomed not resented; to bring more food when we go to the park so we can share it with the other children around; set aside money aside from our tithe each month specifically to respond to situations that arise.

So now, although I hate the feelings of uncomfortableness I am choosing to wrestle with them until I get a resolution.  Until I see God break through and give me a response.  And even if I end up limping, like Jacob, I will seek God.  

Do not be discouraged!

What do you struggle most with as a leader?

For me, one of the things I struggle with most leading with my husband our ministry here in Peru is discouragement. 

God speaks to us, we act, we encourage others, others are initially enthusiastic and then we get tired.  We are tempted to be led by how others are feeling instead of looking to God and remembering the vision He has given us.  It gets hard.  We get discouraged.

Recently, God has spoken to me through Deuteronomy 31.  Moses is about to hand his leadership onto Joshua, and he is to lead the unfaithful, emotion-led Israelites into the Promised Land. 

When the Israelites were faced with the promised land, God said more or less the same things to Israel and to Joshua through Moses, but with some important differences:

Compare these two passages and see the differences:

To the Israelites: ^‘The Lord will deliver them to you, and you must do to them all that I have commanded you.  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’

To Joshua: ‘Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’

What the people needed to hear was different from what the leader needed to hear in a couple of important ways.  The crowd needed to hear that God was with them, that He would never leave them.  Joshua need to hear something different to empower him.  He need to hear God would go ahead of him as well as with him.  And He needed to be told not to be discouraged. 

I didn’t even realize discouragement was a key strategy of the enemy in my life until I started reflecting on it.  But Moses’ words to Joshua empower me.

I have a role in not being discouraged.  I don’t have to just accept it.  I can and am encouraged to face it head on.  When it rears its lying head, I can look to the Lord and ask Him to remind me of the vision.  I can ask Him to bring the breakthrough for the moment.  I can seek him for a word to move forward.  I don’t have to just accept it or even worse, agree with it. 

This post has been a couple of months in the writing.  I have had over a month in the last two months without free time to write with Mark being away, but honestly, I think in part I have also been discouraged.  I wonder if what I have to say is worth the time it takes to invest in writing a post.  I wonder if other things are more important.  Perhaps they are sometimes.  But I also know that God wants to use my writing, and so isn’t the enemy trying to discourage that just another subtle strategy of his?

Generally I find a post just flows and at the moment, it is not, and that makes me want to give up, but wisdom tells me that the biggest obstacles come just before a breakthrough! So even if this post comes out jagged and hindered, I am choosing to post it – knowing that sometimes just moving forward means one step closer to breakthrough!

I am choosing not to be discouraged because now I know that more often than not, it is the enemy trying to discourage me rather than God trying to slow me down.  His promptings to slow down always come in the form of encouragements to seek Him more, not just to give up!

So for those of you who are leaders today:

 

‘Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’

I have never worn a watch

Sitting around a table with people who are happier sitting on the floor to eat always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.  I am aware they are in a world foreign to them and part of me wishes I didn’t have – that they would know I would be happy to eat with them on the floor too, and that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable – just awkwardly unknown like they feel now. 

They are late for lunch.  We have already started.  Who knows when they might arrive, and we have other things to do.  Must keep things moving.

He looks strangely nervous in our house.  We have met a dozen times on his earth, and I remember his confidence at killing the chicken and his laughing at my innocence and squeamishness. 

Now he is here at my table eating lasagna and wearing checkered shirt over checkered shirt to keep away the damp Lima weather.

- I have never seen you wear so many clothes! My husband realizes why he looks different. He laughs shyly.  - It has been many years since I was in Lima.  Over 5 years. 

In his eyes I glimpse sight of his son we know well, and I see the joyful playful innocence there too and I guess he was not unlike his son twenty years ago – impulsive, daring and determined, jumping head first into murky piranha waters to cool off, or pushing out the dug out canoe to catch fish. 

- We are late for lunch.  

It is a statement of fact, not regret. 

- We have never worn watches.

Sometimes I regret that we are so time focused.   That our schedules are so inflexible that we cannot allow time to delay lunch until the special guests have arrived. 

- I guess the Shipibo’s tell the time by the sun? I ask trying to sound like I understand, when really, how can I?

- No.  We tell the time by the birds. 

I listen, fascinated. He likes to tell stories. 

- But it is not always accurate.  Two ladies in my village agreed they would meet in the field before sunrise, at the first cry of the rooster, about 4am. They both went to bed early and arose at the first cry, hurrying in the cool to the field before the sun rose.  Together they waited and waited and the sun never rose.  Finally, they decided to return to the village, where talking to others they realized it was still the middle of the night.  The rooster had been confused by the full moon and had crowed at 11pm!

He laughs and I feel the freedom in the fact that it doesn’t matter that they were wrong.  It doesn’t matter if the rooster cries too early or too late – no one is going to get annoyed or frustrated at being a moment or hour late or early – even if they realize! Estimation is good enough.  It leaves time for life. And the variety just makes for a funny story!

Having spent time in his land, I realize that God designed rhythm, he designed order, but it was never meant to be something that controlled us – it was something that was meant to guide us. 

And it makes me wonder, what things are there around me that God designed that I miss? How much do I listen to the world around me? Where have I made my life too structured or too routine that I miss out on God trying to tell me something? It was the priest and the Levite, the ‘holy helpers’ who passed the needy by, hurrying to their task.  

Because the thing about the clock is that it always tick-tocks the same.  The bird’s call and the Lord’s call is specific to the day.  And I don’t want my watch to dictate what I do – I want my actions to flow out of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

…the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out…

– John 10:3 

Tempted to give up

Sometimes I look at a bad situation and I start praying.  

And that is the right response.  

A broken bank balance, a defiant child, a crying heart once again failing to change herself.  Prayer is always the right response. 

But what sort of prayer?

A deep desperate helpless cry,

or

a submitted, authoritative, listening prayer?

What if I also allowed the situation to show me a larger perspective.  What if God had already responded and set His will forward and the opposite I see is just a temporary spiritual kick back? What if the intensity is a sign that breakthrough, not devastation is near?

All I know is that before we receive a financial gift that is going to change our hopeless bank balance, we regularly have a financial attack.  A broken water tank meaning jug showers out of pots and pans has become this week’s norm – too normal that we complain not, struggling forward not to cope with another thing wrong, but to carry a pan full without overflowing the brim. 

All I know is that before my child steps forward in leaps and bounds in character, I often spend days wondering if he will ever listen to me, if it is too late, if I had only stepped down harder, if he will forever write on the walls, already condemning him in my mind to be a graffiti artist, and he has not yet reached 6?

All I know is my own struggle with sin – this week striving to respect my husband in all I say, and realizing instead all the complaints that flow far too quickly off my tongue – do I have faith that the Holy Spirit will empower my words and I too will change?

And then I remember that the struggle points to heaven’s momentum to bring change – it is precisely because I am about to be empowered to speak and encourage my husband that I am struggling now to do so – if I am just willing to submit to God and accept my powerlessness to change me. 

And it is precisely because my prayer for depth of character and sincerity has been answered that my child is still sticking in his heels, until we sit, heads bowed on his bed, him asking the Holy Spirit to change him and give him self-control, and all of a sudden his impulse to label everything directly turns into everything being labeled by post-it notes instead.

And it is precisely because we know there is an enabling gift flying through the imaginary bank transfer lines from their bank to ours that I just smile and tell Satan to get behind me when the water tank fails – does he think a few financial attacks are going to stop us trusting that God will send enough to cover it and to pay for the things he has destined the money for?   

You see, I am reminded, that it is all about perspective.

And perspective shifts the way we pray.

Thank you for your provision for us daily, thank you for hot water, and stoves for heating water and for jugs, and thank you for the gifts you are sending to provide for all our needs.

Thank you for my child and his heart, already won by you, and that you are showing him how to humbly come to you for help.  Help him always to know he can’t but you can.  Help him to hear your voice louder than the devil’s temptations.

Thank you for your transforming enabling Spirit on my words.  Thank you that I am going to be known as an encourager and defender of my husband, not a loose tongued wife.  Thank you that you want to use me to show others how you enable us to be more like you in our marriage – oh that I would never think it was in my own strength, but recognize it is only through you that I am sanctified and enabled.

It is all about heaven’s perspective.  Where do you need to know it? You know He is waiting to tell you, don’t you? Just draw close and listen to that whisper. 

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

 – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

No flowers, no fruit – just fertilizer!

When Solomon died  and I saw a glimpse of heaven, I wanted to plant a garden.  My hands in and out of the soil, the new life, the precious buds, the fascinating shades and sparkles and tiny fruit on the tree beckoned me to a place beyond the lightning bold harshness of the sudden death, the now-empty womb and wobbly unhugged heart.

You spoke to me in that garden – telling me to plant sunflower seeds and look beyond.  My first summer garden bloomed and the winter season of my soul passed too.  And in the turned over soil of my heart, another baby sprouted and bloomed and made my back ache!

For love of every bright blossom at the local market garden, I stuffed the garden full of colour – some plants thrived, others became lunch for slugs; others got rabbit bitten and others diseased from the close packing. 

As a new baby cried and I recovered from the C-section surgery, the garden once again lay bare and pruned back waiting for Spring again.  Spring sprang and a white stone border in my white-walled garden stood against the rainbow coloured petals, but I became frustrated with the diseased leaves and bug-bitten plants – twice zapping them with toxic bug killer to no avail.

 It was then I began reading up a bit about gardening and realized my mistakes: overcrowding; not replenishing the soil; not accepting that some flowers are not everlasting, and not wanting to remove anything that might grow again.   

As Autumn has begun here in the Southern Hemisphere, You have begun to speak to me once again through the garden – You have told me to clear out all the diseased and bug-bitten plants, to clear the ground, to prune back and to focus on the soil.  You’ve told me the garden needs to rest.  You told me not to buy any new flowers until Spring and I am trying to be patient.  The only things You have allowed me to buy are two big bags of composted earth and a big bag of cow manure! (Apparently it smells less than horse poop – certainly true!)

And so I have cleared the garden, exposed the soil and added an arch in the corner for next year’s vines, made from the pruned branches of the young peach tree.  For three months You have said, I am only allowed to attend to the soil and to preparation.  

No new flowers; 

no fruit 

– just fertilizer!

And I know that You are reminding me too that the fruit that will be visible in my life too will be a result of a heart fed on Your goodness, a life prepared with life’s fertilizer mixed in with our dreams and hopes for the beauty to be revealed. 

Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 

– Matthew 13:8

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 

– John 15:2 

Fighting for joy – 6 helpful steps

Last post talked about days I trudge through mud. I don’t want the implication to be that we just have to wait for joy to come back to us – I am just saying there are days when joy seems to be there waiting for me when I wake up, and others I really have to fight against a dark cloud.  

So what are the things I do to fight?  

What are some of the weapons against mental oppression for me? 

Some of the following seem obvious – but when you are tempted to lose that joy that is your rightful inheritance, how many of these do you honestly try?

1.       Immediate thankfulness

In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Getting woken up every morning instead of getting to wake up naturally, and often before dawn can set off the irritability button, so I try and make a conscious effort to fight that automatic negativity with thankfulness:

Thank you my child is alive, healthy and ready for the day!

Thank you for the birds singing outside my window!

Thank you that I was able to get some rest last night!

2.       Priorities straight

No other gods, only me. – Exodus 20:3 (MSG)

I have made it my priority to have a quiet time with God every morning. Basically because if I do, I feel empowered to get through the day and the day is in line with what God is doing.  When I don’t, I feel like I am struggling against the waves all day, I’m irritable and directionless.  For me now, this is a non-negociable because I just can’t live without it.

3.       Praise first

I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.- Psalm 34:1

I always try and start my quiet time off focusing on God.  I know this sounds obvious, but trust me, there have been days I have dived into my bible reading or a book without taking the time first to focus on God, on who He is and then actually ask Him what he wants me to do in my quiet time. Praising first (whether that be sticking a worship song on, writing a list of thank you’s, reading a praise psalm or simply declaring who God is) makes all the difference to the feel of my quiet time. It has focus and direction.

4.       Continual prayer throughout the day

Pray continually – 1 Thessalonians 5:17

I try and maintain an internal dialogue with God in my head throughout the day and ask Him what He is doing on each thing.  I try and keep focusing on Him, especially when my mind just wants to grumble or my body wants to sink into the sofa cushions!

5.       Having scriptures around the house

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts…Write them on the door-frames of your houses and on your gates. – Deutoronomy 6:6;9

One of the ways I have really been able to get through the day when I am tired, sick, irritable or verging on depression is to remember some key verses. To keep them in mind, I have posted them opposite the toilet!

2 Corinthians 9:8 has been invaluable.  It says: And God is able to make all grace abound unto you; that ye, having always all sufficiency in everything, may abound unto every good work (ASV)

So if He is able to give me everything I need, then I needn’t think I can’t get through the day because of only 3 hours sleep or that I need to cancel the prayer meeting because I am too tired to lead it, or lock my children in a room in front of the television because I am too irritable to be with them! If His Word says He will supply me with everything I need to do what I need to do then I’ll call on that grace instead! Because otherwise I would get nothing done. (I’m not saying don’t have good rhythms of rest, because I really believe we are COMMANDED to rest, but I’m saying there are days, even when you do everything you can to rest, the devil will try and undermine you (3am-5am baby playtime, preschooler’s 3rd nightmare of the night…) and stop you from doing God’s work in the day.) Sometimes I just need to remember that God knows how much sleep I had last night or how much money in is my bank account and He still asks me to be obedient, not because of me, but because of HIM!

6.       Getting someone else to pray for me

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, againstthe powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 6:12

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

There are times when I find it difficult to engage in prayer. Times I don’t want to read the bible, and times I just want to crawl back into bed (but I can’t!).  Despite fighting to do the above list, I still feel a heaviness over me.  Although I don’t like putting people out, I recognize that I NEED to ask people to pray for me at times and just pray for the heaviness to lift and for Christ’s peace to fill me.  I need to remember people want to help me and want to pray for me, and step out of my comfort zone and just ask.  And sometimes ask again the next day. And the next. Until it lifts.  We are not meant to live Christianity alone.  We are soldiers in an army and sometimes we get injured or attacked and we need others to stand with us and declare the truth over us.  We were never meant to fight alone. 

Can you think of any other practical ways we can keep joy in our minds?

Stop being a baby!

Caring for a crawling baby requires lots of patience.  Not only does Kaleb try and eat rabbit poo, climb the stairs solo and seems to have an internal compass needle to find dangerous wiring, he also comes and finds me when I am just in the middle of something to hang onto my trousers and cry until I pick him up.  If he sees me picking up a bag to leave the house for a moment, he will start panicking and crawl at a superhuman speed towards me.  But I recognize his need for me to reassure him and cuddle him after each exploring adventure and each time I try to lovingly respond with a cuddle, a smile and an affirmation. 

Although I have known God since childhood, there are times when I still act like Kaleb.  God lovingly pointed it out to me the other day – You are just like Kaleb – as soon as you lose sight of me or can’t feel me, you start to panic! You need to grow up and know that my Presence is always with you and I am always Your Shepherd, no matter what you feel or see!

I truly believe that our relationship with God is meant to be experienced.  He doesn’t just want us to know about Him, He wants us to know Him! If you are friends with someone, it is useless knowing everything about them if you never spend time together, experience joy and hard times together and do things together. I get used to feeling God’s Spirit within me, empowering me to get through the day.  But then what about those days I feel really oppressed? What does that mean about God?

That is why is it so important that I live a life that is full of the Word and the Spirit.  Because on those days I can’t feel His presence, His word tells me:

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? (Psalm 139:7)

It tells me

 I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

So on those days, I just have to believe what I cannot see.  On those days I feel like I am walking through mud, that I have spiritual sunglasses on, God reminds me to just wait for Him:

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3:25-26)

And sooner or later, whether it be minutes, hours or days, the heaviness does lift and I don’t have to fight to feel Him in my day and to feel the joy that is our inheritance as children of God.