A kitten in a teapot

The last few weeks God has been making me go back to my roots - my spiritual roots.  To be honest it is a vulnerable, difficult, uncomfortable process. Sins and habits I thought I was done with, that I had moved on from, suddenly popping up again.  I realise that I need to reaffirm my faith - to fight again - to get the enemy off my promised land.  And at the moment I am still in that fight, which at times can be very discouraging.  I am really having to remember that the sun shines beyond the clouds! And one of those things has been writing.  I never expected the marriage month stuff to affect me in the way it did - being vulnerable made me vulnerable and addressed areas in me where I still have a long way to go to trust God.  It sounds depressing, but actually, it is difficult but it is good! I know that this is just a deepening of my faith and I am looking forward to those sunny days again - because they are coming! If I am in a desert now the only way my roots can go to find water is down deeper into Him! And as I was talking to God about my insecurites this last week, he reminded me of a story from my childhood... 

It was my Dad's birthday.  I was six or seven at the time and I accompanied my Mum to a local shopping centre to choose a card.  I was convinced that he would love a card with a kitten popping his head out of a teapot, tail poking out of the spout. (The actual one had the kitty looking forward with the lid of the teapot in his head if I remember rightly!)  To me the card was cute and funny and he would love it. 

My mother tried to encourage me to choose something else.  You like the card, but he might like something more manly, with cars on it or something, she urged. 

I insisted on the card and my Mum gave in.

I remember giving my Dad the card.  He laughed out loud – he thought it was hilarious and I was pleased with my choice.

My suspicions were further confirmed when my Dad framed the black and white photo card and hung it in the downstairs bathroom. Now, every time I did my business I looked up at that cat (next to the plaque which read ‘The battle is not yours, but God’s.’) and felt pleased that I knew better than my Mum and had insisted on the card.

As I became older, and less self-absorbed, I realized that he probably wasn’t into cats and teapots so much.  Yet, why had he framed that card? 

I asked him.  

And the answer I got was simple: 

Because you gave it to me.

And as I sit here and write and try to impress God with something (I don’t know what!) – He laughs and tells me that it doesn’t matter what, but that it is the heart behind it.  My choice to love Him, my offerings which are so often childish and self-absorbed.  And he tells me that He frames them.  Not because they in themselves were necessarily stunning, but because I am His daughter and He just loves it when I try to love Him. 

‘I have loved you with an everlasting love;

    I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.’

Jeremiah 31:3

Addressing Spiritual ADHD with His Heartbeat

Journaling has become one of the main parts of my quiet times over the last month.  I had so many things I was seeking God about that I wanted to allow the time for Him to speak to me.  However, one of the main things He has said to me is to just lie on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

I am a doer.  I am a disciplined doer and I don’t just do things for the sake of it (having children and limited time has ensured that!) but even in my quiet times, I find myself trying to achieve something. 

I am trying to find more intimacy with God but I find myself trying to do things to achieve that.

So, perhaps not surprisingly, first on God’s heart to share with me was not about the answers to my many questions, but about His love and desire to be with His bride.  How he desired His bride to lie on His chest and listen to Him. 

I had a dream and I saw these words written: The Lord delights in the nations who listen to Him.  I looked them up when I woke up and they are not a specific verse, but they spoke to me about God’s aching desire for the nations to not be groping around in the darkness, but knowing His voice.  God desires for His bride to listen to Him. My personal response was to pray for wise prophetic voices to be raised up and listened to in all the nations of the world.  

One of the things that has been discovered about people with ADD or ADHD (difficulties in concentration and hyperactivity) is that their internal rhythms are out of sync.  They have no internal beat to guide them.  As a result, music and rhythm therapy can be incredibly helpful.  I wonder how many Christians have spiritual ADHD? They are so busy and distracted that they find it impossible to be still before God. Or is the reason that they have spiritual ADHD because they don't make time to listen to Him? 

Three weeks ago I was that ADHD Christian- distracted and hyperactive, finding myself completely out of sync with Him and feeling totally ineffective in prayer.

God spoke to me about rhythm:

Rhythm begins before a baby can even feel it – loud, overwhelming, overtaking rhythm.  It is a constant and consumes their world – the beat to their life and it is totally reassuring.

When a baby is born, often only a return to that beat will calm the child’s inner needs.  The baby can only fully relax, breathe and sleep deep when warmed and comforted by close skin-on-skin – melted back into one with the mother. The heartbeat calms, reassures and relaxes, lulling them like no other lullaby into the security to let go and be.

A toddler runs off and explores, discovery on top of frustration, on top of fatigue, running straight into a mother’s arms.  Laying against her chest, a calm ensues, a quiet listening.  A connection that soothes, recharges and refreshes, until later the busy toddler climbs down ready to run again.

A lover resting on her lover’s chest – time disappears.  A sudden mellowing in her body – a relaxation so deep that she realizes the many burdens she has been carrying – just how many stresses had been loaded upon her and stuck to her during the day.  Lying silently upon her lover, there is a calming deep within – an embrace of worth that answers that question: am I wanted? Am I loved? Am I?

How much more when you choose to rest your head upon the chest of the Divine Lover? God murmurs “shhhh” as all of your problems and anxieties melt into Him.  He holds you until you calm your spirit and you start listening to His heartbeat.  The warmth of His smile, the softness of His embrace, the joy of His Presence saturates your soul and enlivens your dulled spirit.  And you listen.  To begin with, the heartbeat seems intrusive and loud, until you calm right down and go with it.  Your breathing becomes deeper.  Your muscles relax and the rhythm begins to calm – a constant only you are aware of. 

Be still and Know that I am God, I will be exalted amongst the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

– Psalm 46:10

How can the desire of the Divine Lover be known amongst the nations, unless His people today will still themselves to spend time with their Lover?

Practical sidenote:

I actually found a relaxation app which plays a constant heartbeat sound very useful in calming my spirit to listen to His Spirit.  I used it as I focused on God in my quiet times and it enabled me to  still myself before Him and enjoy His presence.  

Connected blogposts: 

Journaling as a tool for Hearing God's Voice
Be Still 

Be still

My mind is cartwheeling

Be still, Be still

Know that Your Creator

Is waiting for you

My heart is bouncing

Be still, Be still

Know that Your Lover

Is laying next to you

My hands are anxious

Be still, Be still,

Know that Your Inspirer

Is present inside of you.

My body is deflating

Be still, Be still,

Know that Your Strength

Is rising up in you. 

Journaling as a Tool for Hearing God's Voice

Recently I have realised that I do not take enough time to ask God for His opinion.  I spend more time in prayer today than I ever have done, but when it comes to seeking God for specific answers to specific questions, I realize one of the reasons I don’t know God’s will is because I haven’t taken the time to ask. 

Now I am a bit cautious as I write this post to hold seeking God’s will in balance with ultimately seeking God.  Discovering God’s will is not meant to be another burden on the failing Christian’s to-do list.  But it is meant to be a natural consequence of seeking relationship with God and assuming He wants to lead us in our lives.

One of the ways I hear God most clearly and specifically is through journaling. Last week I brought all these questions I had to Him and I felt Him tell me that this week He wanted me to spend the majority of my quiet time, after reading Scripture, in journaling. 

Here is how I journal:

Firstly, I write to God.  I pour out my heart to Him.  I tell him my anxieties.  I ask Him questions.  I give thanks for specific things.  I tell Him how much my heart yearns for Him.  I confess my sin and cry out to Him to change my heart. 

Then, I still myself before the Lord.  I focus myself on Jesus, and I begin to write a letter back from God to me.  I don’t question everything I am writing at that point.  I simply write.  When I have finished, if there are specific directional things that have been written, I bring them to Mark or others in our leadership for accountability and to weigh them.  However, most of the time, God speaks to my heart issues.  He makes me see my insecurities, my judgments of others and my fears in His perspective.   He encourages me and speaks words of scripture to me. 

When I began the week, I was excited, thinking that I would now begin to hear answers to all my questions.  But instead, I have realized how many anxieties I have been sub-consciously carrying.  And as He addresses them, I have been totally drawn into His heart.  He has spoken to me about drawing close and leaning on Him and listening to His heartbeat.  I have had to slow down.  I have realized once again that much of my life and my quiet times are about doing – achieving.  Finishing a task or completing a prayer list or finishing a book.  And instead He wants me to just enjoy His presence. 

I am falling in love, all over again.

You do not have, because you do not ask God 

- James 4:2

Will you take some time to journal this week? 

(If this is your first time to journal, simply start by writing a love letter to God, and then writing a love letter back from Him.  Don't worry if it is God or not - just write and then go back and weigh it against Scripture and with accountability with a mature Christian afterwards.) 

I have never worn a watch

Sitting around a table with people who are happier sitting on the floor to eat always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.  I am aware they are in a world foreign to them and part of me wishes I didn’t have – that they would know I would be happy to eat with them on the floor too, and that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable – just awkwardly unknown like they feel now. 

They are late for lunch.  We have already started.  Who knows when they might arrive, and we have other things to do.  Must keep things moving.

He looks strangely nervous in our house.  We have met a dozen times on his earth, and I remember his confidence at killing the chicken and his laughing at my innocence and squeamishness. 

Now he is here at my table eating lasagna and wearing checkered shirt over checkered shirt to keep away the damp Lima weather.

- I have never seen you wear so many clothes! My husband realizes why he looks different. He laughs shyly.  - It has been many years since I was in Lima.  Over 5 years. 

In his eyes I glimpse sight of his son we know well, and I see the joyful playful innocence there too and I guess he was not unlike his son twenty years ago – impulsive, daring and determined, jumping head first into murky piranha waters to cool off, or pushing out the dug out canoe to catch fish. 

- We are late for lunch.  

It is a statement of fact, not regret. 

- We have never worn watches.

Sometimes I regret that we are so time focused.   That our schedules are so inflexible that we cannot allow time to delay lunch until the special guests have arrived. 

- I guess the Shipibo’s tell the time by the sun? I ask trying to sound like I understand, when really, how can I?

- No.  We tell the time by the birds. 

I listen, fascinated. He likes to tell stories. 

- But it is not always accurate.  Two ladies in my village agreed they would meet in the field before sunrise, at the first cry of the rooster, about 4am. They both went to bed early and arose at the first cry, hurrying in the cool to the field before the sun rose.  Together they waited and waited and the sun never rose.  Finally, they decided to return to the village, where talking to others they realized it was still the middle of the night.  The rooster had been confused by the full moon and had crowed at 11pm!

He laughs and I feel the freedom in the fact that it doesn’t matter that they were wrong.  It doesn’t matter if the rooster cries too early or too late – no one is going to get annoyed or frustrated at being a moment or hour late or early – even if they realize! Estimation is good enough.  It leaves time for life. And the variety just makes for a funny story!

Having spent time in his land, I realize that God designed rhythm, he designed order, but it was never meant to be something that controlled us – it was something that was meant to guide us. 

And it makes me wonder, what things are there around me that God designed that I miss? How much do I listen to the world around me? Where have I made my life too structured or too routine that I miss out on God trying to tell me something? It was the priest and the Levite, the ‘holy helpers’ who passed the needy by, hurrying to their task.  

Because the thing about the clock is that it always tick-tocks the same.  The bird’s call and the Lord’s call is specific to the day.  And I don’t want my watch to dictate what I do – I want my actions to flow out of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

…the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out…

– John 10:3