When God Exposed My Unforgiveness

In the book of Judges, peace was only experienced AFTER a battle had been won. 

A battle had to be entered into first, to gain the ground that was Israel's by inheritance, but which had been lost by unfaithfulness and not holding true to God’s ways.

God started speaking to me in my quiet time on Monday.  He told me to grab a pen, and I assumed He would start talking to me about the things that were anxiously on my heart – He didn’t.  He started to talk to me more generally about peace and about areas where I had battled in my life.  

In those areas where I had battled and He had brought victory, I was in peace.  Those areas where I was still uneasy were areas where there were still battles to embrace.

He began to talk to me about the medical system here in Peru.  He told me I needed to write a list of all the health care professionals who I held something against.   

Now I have had two live births here in Peru, and one induced birth for miscarriage at 17 weeks, and I have had MANY encounters with health care professionals.  Most of them have been bearable, some have been surprisingly fine and at some I have suffered abuse that could have been taken to court in the UK. Humiliation and lack of consideration are reoccurring events. (*I would like to just write a quick sidenote to say that I have also had some gentle, tender, God-given care by some timely individuals too!)  

I had already started (and I thought, finished) the forgiveness process with those doctors who had been abusive.  However, I had never considered how my attitude towards medical staff here in general and my lack of trust had been leading me into many situations where I set myself up for a hard time.  I hadn’t realised how much the enemy had held me in fear because of that lack of trust whenever an occasion to visit a doctor arose, or when talking to others about medical care here.  

I then surprised myself by writing a list of 12 people (12! I would have guessed, maybe 3 at tops!) who, on recall, I could feel I still held something against.  I then realised how much I was not at peace with medical care in general here. 

The Lord, ever gracious, led me through a process of forgiving each person on my list and showed me that even the abusive ones, had not been intentionally so – their methods were questionable, but they were trying to get their job done as they deemed best. 

And then it dawned on me that many of the complaints in my life are due to unforgiveness. 

Whenever I complain, it shows I have not forgiven or extended grace to those who intentionally or unintentionally previously inconvenienced me. 

And I started to think about those things I complain about, or am tempted to complain about:  bad taxi drivers; ‘incompetent’ administrators; ‘slow’ shop attendants; a long wait in a restaurant; my children making a 'ridiculous' mess… – I am tempted to complain because of past experience and because I refused to extend grace to those people beforehand.  Ultimately, because of unforgiveness.

How can I leave my house hoping to love those in the world and reach out to them with God’s love if I go out in an attitude of distrust and complaint?

And what happens when I enter into the emotional ‘battle’ of forgiveness? I begin to live in peace.  God’s hand is upon me, and whatever situation I am in, I can trust He will fight for me.  My peace at the hospital won’t be dependent on the treatment of the staff, but rather on the Spirit living in me.  My peace in the taxi won’t be dependent on the driver, but on my Father’s protection.  My peace in my home won’t be dependent on my children’s behavior, but on His peace in my heart.

What are you tempted to complain about? Who do you need to forgive?

Love…keeps no record of wrongs

1 Corinthians 13: 5

In the trenches

Less than one hour to go and I was standing on a wall in our garden, toys overflowing from my hands, frustrated tears running down my cheeks in front of three men, feeling very silly.

I was feeling silly not because I was crying in front of three men, who probably felt more uncomfortable than I did at the tears, but because I KNEW that the reason I was feeling so overwhelmed was the enemy.  He was coming in and undermining me just before we began something new and was reminding me of all the stress in times past when our house was jammed full with children.  The enemy was reminding me of the cost, and not of the prize, of course, and in that moment I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for the garden to be run down, toys to be broken and lost, diffusing childishness, cleaning up mess…

That was 9.45am this morning before the first service of our new season started in our house.

Of course, as I knew even standing there having my mini-tantrum at 9am, everything went fine (in fact, it went amazingly well!).  But even as I took a moment after lunch to put a tired one year-old to bed 3 hours later than usual, I wondered if we would really have to do it all again next week.  Did we really have to have gatherings in our house, or in fact, anywhere, ever again? Was it really worth it?

But then I asked myself: What else would we do? What else are we here in Peru for, if not to reach out to others. And I know that if it wasn’t the hurdle of having lots of children running around it would be something else.  Nearly every time we advance in the kingdom there are emotional hurdles to jump first. 

The birthing pains of breakthrough.

And I felt like the disciples when Jesus asked them if they too wanted to turn back, and all I can answer is:  ‘Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.’ And there is nowhere else to go but forward!

And chatting with a dear Peruvian friend this afternoon who is the trenches once again with her family situations, I am once again reminded that the Christian life was never meant to be comfortable – it is meant to be war.

And today, battle weary and in the trenches, one foot in front of the other, we are winning.

Choosing to Wrestle

I hate being misunderstood.  I hate suspecting something about someone and having to wait in order to talk to them to get the truth.  I hate being in that uncomfortable place where what I am faced with or my thoughts are unresolved. 

Saturday was our ‘day off’ – I put that in inverted commas because really it was not a day off and really we need to stop looking at it like that because when you have three children under 6, you are blessed to get an hour or two off – a day a week would be unthinkable!

We decided to go into the nicer part of Lima to see the flower show announcing the beginning of Spring here.  We looked around at the beautiful flowers and the boys got restless and we thought about where we could go for a treat.  Knowing there was a doughnut house just around the corner, we suggested the idea to the boys whose eyes lit up and their energy renewed all of a sudden.

We ordered 7 donuts for the 5 of us because it was cheaper than buying 4 separately (Kaleb being 1, doesn’t need a whole one yet!), and we began to eat.

A girl and her brother stood beside us with a cup, begging inside the café.  I immediately felt angry for the children that their mother had sent them to beg on her behalf and looked around for the mother.  About 30 seconds later she appeared and demanded that we give our spare two donuts to the children.  Reacting to her indignant rudeness, we told her ‘no’ and she gathered up her children, cursing us as she left.

Now, our reaction was something that I have had to wrestle with a lot.  Mainly because I know that if I had not been put on the spot, and if she had asked politely, I would have gladly given her the donuts – in fact, I would have been happy to buy them all their own – but in that moment, when I was caught off guard, on our ‘day off’ what came out was in fact a rotten testimony of Jesus.  In reaction to her rudeness and our judgment of her, we were unable to get past that and reach out in the opposite spirit. I mean, Jesus’ words say in Luke 6:28-30:

 bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 

At the time I had felt set up.  I felt like the lady had seen our white skin, seen our children and assumed we had loads of spare money.  Didn’t she know we are not rich tourists? Then I felt bad because I knew the Jesus thing to do would have been to give them the donuts, despite the way she treated us, and I looked for her everywhere but she had gone.

A situation I would never be able to resolve.  

How very uncomfortable.

It left me with a choice.  Either to bury my shame and try and justify ourselves, or to wrestle with the uncomfortableness and let that lead me to think differently -  to have true repentance. 

Before I would have just ignored my feelings – too ashamed. This time I choose to wrestle.  Even writing about what happened here is part of that wrestling.

But as I began to wrestle with my attitude and my knee-jerk reaction (because God says what comes out of our mouth shows what is in our hearts), I see areas of my life that need some 180 degree repentance. 

  

And that I need to be prepared so I am not caught off guard.  

Firstly, I need to see my ‘day off’ as still a day when God can use me to minister and reach out to others – not just a day to switch off.  I need to be proactive in asking Him if there is anything special that He has for us that day, or even invite Him to use us on that day.  

Secondly, we need to create ‘extra’ in our lives specifically to be able to reach out to others – not harvest the edges of our field, so to speak, - for example, make sure we cook an extra meal or two so any unexpected visitors are welcomed not resented; to bring more food when we go to the park so we can share it with the other children around; set aside money aside from our tithe each month specifically to respond to situations that arise.

So now, although I hate the feelings of uncomfortableness I am choosing to wrestle with them until I get a resolution.  Until I see God break through and give me a response.  And even if I end up limping, like Jacob, I will seek God.  

Do not be discouraged!

What do you struggle most with as a leader?

For me, one of the things I struggle with most leading with my husband our ministry here in Peru is discouragement. 

God speaks to us, we act, we encourage others, others are initially enthusiastic and then we get tired.  We are tempted to be led by how others are feeling instead of looking to God and remembering the vision He has given us.  It gets hard.  We get discouraged.

Recently, God has spoken to me through Deuteronomy 31.  Moses is about to hand his leadership onto Joshua, and he is to lead the unfaithful, emotion-led Israelites into the Promised Land. 

When the Israelites were faced with the promised land, God said more or less the same things to Israel and to Joshua through Moses, but with some important differences:

Compare these two passages and see the differences:

To the Israelites: ^‘The Lord will deliver them to you, and you must do to them all that I have commanded you.  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’

To Joshua: ‘Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’

What the people needed to hear was different from what the leader needed to hear in a couple of important ways.  The crowd needed to hear that God was with them, that He would never leave them.  Joshua need to hear something different to empower him.  He need to hear God would go ahead of him as well as with him.  And He needed to be told not to be discouraged. 

I didn’t even realize discouragement was a key strategy of the enemy in my life until I started reflecting on it.  But Moses’ words to Joshua empower me.

I have a role in not being discouraged.  I don’t have to just accept it.  I can and am encouraged to face it head on.  When it rears its lying head, I can look to the Lord and ask Him to remind me of the vision.  I can ask Him to bring the breakthrough for the moment.  I can seek him for a word to move forward.  I don’t have to just accept it or even worse, agree with it. 

This post has been a couple of months in the writing.  I have had over a month in the last two months without free time to write with Mark being away, but honestly, I think in part I have also been discouraged.  I wonder if what I have to say is worth the time it takes to invest in writing a post.  I wonder if other things are more important.  Perhaps they are sometimes.  But I also know that God wants to use my writing, and so isn’t the enemy trying to discourage that just another subtle strategy of his?

Generally I find a post just flows and at the moment, it is not, and that makes me want to give up, but wisdom tells me that the biggest obstacles come just before a breakthrough! So even if this post comes out jagged and hindered, I am choosing to post it – knowing that sometimes just moving forward means one step closer to breakthrough!

I am choosing not to be discouraged because now I know that more often than not, it is the enemy trying to discourage me rather than God trying to slow me down.  His promptings to slow down always come in the form of encouragements to seek Him more, not just to give up!

So for those of you who are leaders today:

 

‘Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’

I have never worn a watch

Sitting around a table with people who are happier sitting on the floor to eat always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.  I am aware they are in a world foreign to them and part of me wishes I didn’t have – that they would know I would be happy to eat with them on the floor too, and that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable – just awkwardly unknown like they feel now. 

They are late for lunch.  We have already started.  Who knows when they might arrive, and we have other things to do.  Must keep things moving.

He looks strangely nervous in our house.  We have met a dozen times on his earth, and I remember his confidence at killing the chicken and his laughing at my innocence and squeamishness. 

Now he is here at my table eating lasagna and wearing checkered shirt over checkered shirt to keep away the damp Lima weather.

- I have never seen you wear so many clothes! My husband realizes why he looks different. He laughs shyly.  - It has been many years since I was in Lima.  Over 5 years. 

In his eyes I glimpse sight of his son we know well, and I see the joyful playful innocence there too and I guess he was not unlike his son twenty years ago – impulsive, daring and determined, jumping head first into murky piranha waters to cool off, or pushing out the dug out canoe to catch fish. 

- We are late for lunch.  

It is a statement of fact, not regret. 

- We have never worn watches.

Sometimes I regret that we are so time focused.   That our schedules are so inflexible that we cannot allow time to delay lunch until the special guests have arrived. 

- I guess the Shipibo’s tell the time by the sun? I ask trying to sound like I understand, when really, how can I?

- No.  We tell the time by the birds. 

I listen, fascinated. He likes to tell stories. 

- But it is not always accurate.  Two ladies in my village agreed they would meet in the field before sunrise, at the first cry of the rooster, about 4am. They both went to bed early and arose at the first cry, hurrying in the cool to the field before the sun rose.  Together they waited and waited and the sun never rose.  Finally, they decided to return to the village, where talking to others they realized it was still the middle of the night.  The rooster had been confused by the full moon and had crowed at 11pm!

He laughs and I feel the freedom in the fact that it doesn’t matter that they were wrong.  It doesn’t matter if the rooster cries too early or too late – no one is going to get annoyed or frustrated at being a moment or hour late or early – even if they realize! Estimation is good enough.  It leaves time for life. And the variety just makes for a funny story!

Having spent time in his land, I realize that God designed rhythm, he designed order, but it was never meant to be something that controlled us – it was something that was meant to guide us. 

And it makes me wonder, what things are there around me that God designed that I miss? How much do I listen to the world around me? Where have I made my life too structured or too routine that I miss out on God trying to tell me something? It was the priest and the Levite, the ‘holy helpers’ who passed the needy by, hurrying to their task.  

Because the thing about the clock is that it always tick-tocks the same.  The bird’s call and the Lord’s call is specific to the day.  And I don’t want my watch to dictate what I do – I want my actions to flow out of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

…the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out…

– John 10:3 

Tempted to give up

Sometimes I look at a bad situation and I start praying.  

And that is the right response.  

A broken bank balance, a defiant child, a crying heart once again failing to change herself.  Prayer is always the right response. 

But what sort of prayer?

A deep desperate helpless cry,

or

a submitted, authoritative, listening prayer?

What if I also allowed the situation to show me a larger perspective.  What if God had already responded and set His will forward and the opposite I see is just a temporary spiritual kick back? What if the intensity is a sign that breakthrough, not devastation is near?

All I know is that before we receive a financial gift that is going to change our hopeless bank balance, we regularly have a financial attack.  A broken water tank meaning jug showers out of pots and pans has become this week’s norm – too normal that we complain not, struggling forward not to cope with another thing wrong, but to carry a pan full without overflowing the brim. 

All I know is that before my child steps forward in leaps and bounds in character, I often spend days wondering if he will ever listen to me, if it is too late, if I had only stepped down harder, if he will forever write on the walls, already condemning him in my mind to be a graffiti artist, and he has not yet reached 6?

All I know is my own struggle with sin – this week striving to respect my husband in all I say, and realizing instead all the complaints that flow far too quickly off my tongue – do I have faith that the Holy Spirit will empower my words and I too will change?

And then I remember that the struggle points to heaven’s momentum to bring change – it is precisely because I am about to be empowered to speak and encourage my husband that I am struggling now to do so – if I am just willing to submit to God and accept my powerlessness to change me. 

And it is precisely because my prayer for depth of character and sincerity has been answered that my child is still sticking in his heels, until we sit, heads bowed on his bed, him asking the Holy Spirit to change him and give him self-control, and all of a sudden his impulse to label everything directly turns into everything being labeled by post-it notes instead.

And it is precisely because we know there is an enabling gift flying through the imaginary bank transfer lines from their bank to ours that I just smile and tell Satan to get behind me when the water tank fails – does he think a few financial attacks are going to stop us trusting that God will send enough to cover it and to pay for the things he has destined the money for?   

You see, I am reminded, that it is all about perspective.

And perspective shifts the way we pray.

Thank you for your provision for us daily, thank you for hot water, and stoves for heating water and for jugs, and thank you for the gifts you are sending to provide for all our needs.

Thank you for my child and his heart, already won by you, and that you are showing him how to humbly come to you for help.  Help him always to know he can’t but you can.  Help him to hear your voice louder than the devil’s temptations.

Thank you for your transforming enabling Spirit on my words.  Thank you that I am going to be known as an encourager and defender of my husband, not a loose tongued wife.  Thank you that you want to use me to show others how you enable us to be more like you in our marriage – oh that I would never think it was in my own strength, but recognize it is only through you that I am sanctified and enabled.

It is all about heaven’s perspective.  Where do you need to know it? You know He is waiting to tell you, don’t you? Just draw close and listen to that whisper. 

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

 – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

No flowers, no fruit – just fertilizer!

When Solomon died  and I saw a glimpse of heaven, I wanted to plant a garden.  My hands in and out of the soil, the new life, the precious buds, the fascinating shades and sparkles and tiny fruit on the tree beckoned me to a place beyond the lightning bold harshness of the sudden death, the now-empty womb and wobbly unhugged heart.

You spoke to me in that garden – telling me to plant sunflower seeds and look beyond.  My first summer garden bloomed and the winter season of my soul passed too.  And in the turned over soil of my heart, another baby sprouted and bloomed and made my back ache!

For love of every bright blossom at the local market garden, I stuffed the garden full of colour – some plants thrived, others became lunch for slugs; others got rabbit bitten and others diseased from the close packing. 

As a new baby cried and I recovered from the C-section surgery, the garden once again lay bare and pruned back waiting for Spring again.  Spring sprang and a white stone border in my white-walled garden stood against the rainbow coloured petals, but I became frustrated with the diseased leaves and bug-bitten plants – twice zapping them with toxic bug killer to no avail.

 It was then I began reading up a bit about gardening and realized my mistakes: overcrowding; not replenishing the soil; not accepting that some flowers are not everlasting, and not wanting to remove anything that might grow again.   

As Autumn has begun here in the Southern Hemisphere, You have begun to speak to me once again through the garden – You have told me to clear out all the diseased and bug-bitten plants, to clear the ground, to prune back and to focus on the soil.  You’ve told me the garden needs to rest.  You told me not to buy any new flowers until Spring and I am trying to be patient.  The only things You have allowed me to buy are two big bags of composted earth and a big bag of cow manure! (Apparently it smells less than horse poop – certainly true!)

And so I have cleared the garden, exposed the soil and added an arch in the corner for next year’s vines, made from the pruned branches of the young peach tree.  For three months You have said, I am only allowed to attend to the soil and to preparation.  

No new flowers; 

no fruit 

– just fertilizer!

And I know that You are reminding me too that the fruit that will be visible in my life too will be a result of a heart fed on Your goodness, a life prepared with life’s fertilizer mixed in with our dreams and hopes for the beauty to be revealed. 

Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 

– Matthew 13:8

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 

– John 15:2