Fighting Discouragement with Feedback

One of the things I wrote on a post on People Everywhere: Things that Transcend Culture, is that everyone has a need for positive feedback.  It has something I have been thinking about a lot ever since I have come back from the jungle in April.  

I found leading a group of Shipibo women hard.  Mainly because they are not very forthcoming when it comes to feedback and also because it is obviously difficult to have conversations when the other party doesn’t feel comfortable conversing in Spanish.  I left the jungle wondering if it had been worth the sacrifice of leaving my oldest two at home, plus another week away from home after a transient month with a team.  I needed to hear that my presence there made a difference. 

I had three important conversations: 

1) Mark - he reminded me that just me being there was an encouragement to the women, and spoke of my desire to feed into them - that they as women were valued.  He told me that it also showed them that discipling others wasn’t just for the men, it was something women could and should be a part of too.  

2) Huddle (online leadership group call)- there I was also reminded of the importance of being there and encouraging other women with my presence, and given helpful ideas for ‘next time’. 

3) God - I asked Him to give me a picture of what was going on.  He showed me seeds in the ground and small saplings coming through. He told me that our time in the jungle was not about fruit this time, but about seeds and saplings, and that we were going to see very little in the physical realm this time that looked significant, but growth was happening. 

Helpful feedback is really important: 

1. It hopefully helps us see things from a larger perspective
2. It gives us connection with other people - what we all need and crave
3. It helps us to assess, dream and plan the next steps and helps create momentum to the next things God is sharing with us.  
4. It stops discouragement and isolation (which the enemy is keen for us to feel) when we have just stepped forward. 

You would perhaps be surprised that only about 2% of people ever respond or comment on a blogpost or a newsletter we send out.  (That is a true statistic in general.) Everyone assumes that everyone else is commenting, giving, connecting, but the truth is that only a very low percentage of people ever give feedback or reach out to connect.  

Realising the human need we all have to receive helpful feedback has made me think about where I should be offering more feedback.  Recently I have tried to be intentional about sending quick emails or catching a quick conversation with one of our team when I get a chance and not leaving it to later never.  I have been making more of an effort to comment on photos or statuses I see where before I have preferred to hide behind cyberspace scared what people might think of me or read into what I had said. I have also tried to be honest with others when I need some feedback and encouragement, when my temptation is to not want to show need for others.  

I need to hear from those around me who are also running the race of motherhood, or leadership, or being human, (and of course, also make time to listen to God’s perspective too) that I am doing okay. That what I am doing makes a difference where it matters most.  And I expect you do too.  

So what about you? Where can you offer more feedback to those around you? 
Who can you catch up with this week and encourage? Will you take that quick moment to comment on someone’s status or photo? Will you take a moment to email and spur on a discouraged friend? Don’t assume someone else is. 

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up 

- 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I am enjoying reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown at the moment.  In that book (which is I would highly recommend - truly life changing for me), she mentions about the need for feedback and how we should filter it, especially when we are vulnerable and daring greatly.  Many of the ideas in this post have come as a result of chewing over her material.  

Keep on Keeping On... Monday...

(I posted this last week on our family blog, but I wanted to share it here too for those who don't read our family blog...)


I am awake at 5am.  Kaleb is not getting the ‘sleep until 6’ memo.  I decide to use the time to pray.  I fight back sleepy eyes, choosing to trust that God knows and His strength is enough.

6am I spend an hour with the Lord as Mark makes the boys breakfast.  His Word sinks convictingly deep and I drag my guitar case onto my bed to force myself to worship – it is my self-subscribed medicine against that dark cloud at the moment.  I have to worship.  It has to be all about Him.  It just doesn’t work when it begins to be about me.

 

8am – It’s Joel’s first day back at nursery and after supervising the feeding of all our animals (a rabbit, a tortoise and three guinea pigs), I pile all the boys into the car.  They are all in good spirits, excited.  I ask them what they are thankful for as we drive and the two who can talk are both thankful for Joel going to nursery.  I am thankful for the provision to pay for it.  In my mind, the negative bank balance threatens me but I push it away, telling it that God has always provided up until now – there is no reason why this month will be any different.

8.40am I join our community prayers (40 minutes late) in the living room. Everyone is sharing their personal discipline challenges.  I feel my life is so disciplined and ordered that I need to be disciplined to allow ‘go with the flow!’… 

By 9am I am sat down with Daniel guiding him through his homeschool curriculum on pollution and valuing earth’s resources, and that verse I read this morning: If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them continues to nag at me all morning. It nags at me as I make lunch for just 5 adults and 3 children today (lasagna – the 5 other regulars are busy today) throw the unnecessary polythene wrapping into the bin whilst thinking how I need to communicate with Mark to try and buy things with less wrapping…

The downstairs is a total mess.  The lady who comes to help clean in the mornings hasn’t arrived and the sink is piled with dishes, the floor covered in mess (having over a dozen people coming and going all day and 25 for lunch yesterday takes its toll, to add to the boys!).  How am I going to homeschool, cook and clean before 11.50am?? The Lord knows – I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  Rosa offers to wash up and clean the kitchen so I do a quick toy and book blast-clear-up, stuffing toys into boxes, and aligning cushions.  There. Sufficient. Perhaps it will be okay.

The liquidizer gets a double use today – once for the veg for the lasagna (hidden vegetables are the only sort that get eaten by my boys), and once to make paper pulp.  It seems ironic to me that I use up more paper towels cleaning up the water mess than I ‘save’ by making recycled paper, but Daniel loves it and we add dried leaves and oregano into the paper as it dries in the hot, hot sun.

By 11.30am I am wondering if we will get the paper and the lasagna done before 11.50am when I have to go and pick up Joel.  The garden is so dry from lack of watering (we live in a desert so there is no natural rain), that I stick the hose on. I try to remind myself that a) it doesn’t matter if I am slightly late to pick up Joel, and b) God knows what I need to do – he will work it out.  Trying to speak out that faith, but my stress levels are beginning to rise…

I am 10 minutes late to pick up Joel.  At least Kaleb is wearing a pair of shoes that don’t fall off his feet this time.  I apologize to Joel’s teacher and she is not in the least bit bothered.  Peering into the classroom, I can see why – we may be the first ones to pick up.  Well, this is Peru…! Joel is happy and communicative (amazing!) and we drive home trying to get Kaleb to sing the odd words in our songs. Us: Cows in the kitchen… Kaleb: Moo…moo…! Daniel and Joel are in hysterics and I am reminded that they are so carefree and I am meant to be like them, not them like me…anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it…

12.40pm: For some unknown reason I let Kaleb and Joel play with the hose (yes, it is still going) and Kaleb gets soaked whilst Joel constantly asks me if he can play carnavales – basically he wants me to fill up 100 water balloons for him.  (Now is it more of a waste to have them stuck unused on the fridge, or burst and in a landfill?!) There is no way that lunch is going to be ready if I stop for the balloons, but I do have to stop every 2 minutes to tell Joel ‘no’ and re-explain to him why… The postman arrives bringing magazines from G.G. and chocolate.  (2 of the 3 bars are melted, but nothing the fridge won’t sort out… well, those aero bubbles are never coming back, but it still tastes good!) Daniel is now unreachable, lost in the world of his magazine.

12.45pm: Sink is full of washing up from cooking.  Kaleb is totally soaked. New nappy now totally soaked. Strip him down and let him run around for 2 minutes whilst I check on the lasagna. Kaleb comes into the kitchen. ‘poo…poo’.  Uh-oh.  A solid, no-mess poop sits in the doorway.  I quickly grab a wipe and clear it up.  Phew. Easy. 

‘poo…poo’.  I look at Kaleb.  He is pointing to the porch.  A squashed poop sits there laughing at me.  I lift both his feet and give them a wipe.  Another wipe clears up the rest of the mess. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.   I find another nappy quickly. 

Wash hands. Wash dishes. Check lasagna.  Grab Kaleb before he terrorizes the guinea pigs with his toy cars.  Yell at Daniel and Joel to go and get dressed for lunch. (They are both in their underpants from watering the garden).  Joel hears me, Daniel is engrossed in his magazine. 

1pm Amanda arrives with baby Judah for lunch.  Mark and Shaun are close behind.  We sit down to eat.  Joel finally eats his lasagna when we convince him that it is just spaghetti Bolognese with cheese and flat pasta.  Kaleb takes two bites out of a piece of fried banana and refuses to eat anything else. Daniel finishes up his plate.

By 2.00pm Mark has the boys for an hour and a half so I can rest/catch up on admin.  Today, the only thing that is happening is a nap.  I put on some music (Volume 1: Psalms 1-10 by The Psalms Project) and enter the land of nod. 

3.30pm I am with the boys again.  Kaleb wants milk and tries to fall asleep, but it is too late for a nap if we want him bed before 10pm, so I get up quickly and head for the stoller.  Kaleb is protesting and I am groggy from my sleep, feeling irritated and wanting to run back to my bedroom and lock the door, but I can’t.  Remind myself that a walk will get rid of that grogginess and get the boys ready to go out.  Mark is busy until 7pm. That’s 3.5 hours to kill.  Walking to the cremolada shop and back should kill two hours and then we can come back, eat and make cards and then it should be ready for the bedtime hour. 

By the time all the boys are in bed at 7pm I am tired, irritated and thankful.  I think back on the day, which feels like three days in one.  Thankful for the people God has sent to help with the boys and the mess and to allow my time with Him and to nap.  He truly does enable me to do all the things I need to do. And as for the other things that didn’t get done? There is always tomorrow…or the next day… 

I remind myself that it is all about one step at a time…so thankful that God doesn’t give up on me for my daily messes but that He takes me by the hand and reminds me: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. 

Is this God's will?

In the last blogpost, I talked about the process of writing.  That post in itself has made me think about life and how often we take shortcuts when we are discerning God’s will for our lives…(If you haven’t read the last post, have a quick look now, it will make the later part of this post make a lot more sense!)

As I am growing in my relationship with God, I am learning how to discern His leading more and more.  And as I do, I keep asking, how can I go even deeper? How can I know what He wants me to do all the time and not just guess?

One of the things I have learned in the last few years is about patience and not making decisions under pressure.  There are few times since we moved to Peru five years ago when we have needed to make a rushed decision.  In fact, only one sticks out in my mind - that of moving out of our rented house and buying a new one.  It all happened in 13 days from idea conception to moving in, and God clearly guided the way.  He gave us hints, Bible passages, visions, total financial provision where there had been none, opened doors and miraculous happenings as confirmation that it was all Him. 

Other decisions we have to make are not so clear cut. 

Take travelling for example.  I always find it incredibly difficult to book flights because I never know when the right moment to book and the exact dates we should book. Mark is hoping to travel to the jungle every month next year, and we need to decide when he should travel on each trip.  Sometimes, perhaps it doesn’t matter, but on other occasions, it will.  Do we book earlier to get potentially cheaper prices, or do we wait?

What about logic? Of course, we can look at the calendar over the next year and look at key dates to avoid, we can see when it is most difficult for Mark to be away (over weekends), etc. But ultimately there are things we can’t foresee.  And, yes, I know there is grace for that, but I don’t want to just be limited to logic and grace! I want to live by relationship! Principles – trying to do the right thing, are good, but can become religious.  Relationship leads to life (and most definitely, an adventure!)

Bill Johnson says: “If you live by a principle, you will be right a lot.  If you live by the presence, you can be right all the time”.

I want to be right all the time! (And yes, not just because I was one of those kids at school who always wanted to be right, but because I actually want to have a relationship with God where I know His heart!)

This week Mark and I discussed visiting a jungle town I would love to visit again in January.  We both love the idea and had provisionally agreed to the idea with one another over the phone.  I then lay on the bed and started pondering the details of the trip and a voice came into my mind: ‘Have you actually asked Me if I want you to go on that trip? Have you asked My opinion?’.  

And no, we hadn’t.  What do you think? I asked, boldly.  It’s not my idea. Came the response.

Good idea? Maybe.  God idea? Nope.

And so I was reminded just how important it is for us to take time to ask God His opinion. (Didn’t the Israelites suffer from presumption too?) And for us to actively seek God’s will in our prayers.  To spend time (note the word ‘time’ here, not ‘a moment’) wrestling, thinking about, discussing, praying, and seeking confirmation for an idea. 

And so here is where the relationship to the last post comes in – how often do we include God in making our decisions? How often do we specifically acknowledge thinking and praying time (and actively engage in it) before we ‘write’ the plan? Or do we just do our research and then begin writing?

And God is reminding me too, that it isn’t my responsibility to find our His will – it’s His responsibility to show me.  My responsibility is to seek Him.   And to leave anxiety to one side.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

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Other blogposts on discerning God's will: 

1. When Doubt Means Wait

On enjoying the journey:

2. When I can't feel Him (Stop being a baby!)

3. An Unhurried Path

4. Selah