Presumption vs. Faith

I know it has been a little while since I have posted - it is not that life has been too busy, but rather that I have been working on some material for a series of posts that I am really excited about for February! I don't want to say too much now, but let's just say that I am really excited and you are going to get to hear from some different people too on a very important topic! 

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Last year, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Kaleb, a C-section looked likely.  He was breech and there is only one doctor I know here in Peru who would even consider a breech birth under certain conditions.  When I had visited her when I was pregnant with Joel, our second child, we hadn’t seen eye to eye.   But, feeling the leading of the Holy Spirit, I returned to see her 8 months pregnant, and this time we really connected. (The first time I had been to see her, I had been on the defensive and she had responded likewise to my lack of trust.)

I felt at ease with the doctor and when I went into labour, she did all she could to help me have a natural breech birth, but when Kaleb failed to descend, she felt that there was a reason why, and we should consider transferring to the hospital for a C-section.  Mark and I prayed and at that moment I saw in my mind a path which forked.  One way was a dead end blocked off, and I felt like God was saying that we had no choice, or rather we did – life or death!

Kaleb was born by C-section a few hours later, the cord round his neck so short that he was unable to descend.  He would have most likely died if we had forced a natural breech delivery. 

Now I don’t know exactly why God decided a C-section was the way Kaleb should be born.  It was definitely not for lack of prayer – I was so desiring and determined to have a natural birth.  But I do know that His perspective was bigger and at least part of the reason was to guide my friends through a similar situation a year later. 

But leading up to the day of Kaleb’s birth, I refused to consider a C-section.  I called it faith, but I now recognize it as presumption.  When I opened my Bible, I read verses such as “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” (Matthew 21:22) and “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) and I tried to muster up as much faith as possible – praying these verses and believing that it was God’s will for me to have a natural birth, especially seeing as that was His natural design for birth.

 

But the truth was, I was stuck in presumption.  I never asked God His will for this situation because I presumed it would be the same as mine.  I was also stuck in fear – I was unable to hear any answer other than a natural birth in my mind.  Many of the reasons I was so against having a c-section were because of bad experiences with medical personnel, and general lack of support for the early mother-baby bond here in Peru. (Babies are separated from their mothers for hours post-delivery and encouraged to be fed formula in the nursery so the mother can ‘rest’.  You have to be very firm to want to breastfeed your baby, or keep him or her with you after the initial compulsory separation period.)

What I hadn’t realized is that those fears were actually stopping me from trusting my Heavenly Father.  And because I couldn’t trust Him, I couldn’t hear His will.

It is very difficult to hear God’s will in our lives if we are only prepared to hear the response that we don’t fear.  And I wonder if the natural birth had actually become an idol to me and I was unwilling to lay it down until the end.  I don’t know whether if I had laid the natural birth down earlier willingly whether God would have changed the outcome, but I do know that I would have been able to have walked into the C-section with a lot more preparation and peace than I had. 

And so, as he has graciously healed my heart, amongst other things, with regards to medical situations, I have realized that I can hear His will more – even when it doesn’t make sense to me, because I can trust Him. I am open to hear responses from God that sound ‘wrong’ (like Old Testament Elijah being told to break purification laws to climb on top of a dead boy’s body, or David and his friends eating the sacred bread), and trust that He knows best and that His perspective is bigger. 

And so, when I hear preachers generalizing God’s way of healing (do this and the person will receive their healing…etc), it makes me wonder if sometimes we just want a magic formula, but that God despises that.  He hates it when we use his Presence to get what we want.  He wants relationship with us and it is only when we can trust Him, that we can fully hear what he wants to say to us – and that takes time to mature as people and is why we need the body of Christ to help us weigh the things we feel we are hearing from God.   

Lord, please forgive us when we try and use your Presence for our means, or when we presume Your will because of our fears.  Please help us to trust you and really hear what you are saying in each situation, laying our fears at Your feet.  Let us not presume your will, but knowing your heart, know that whatever the outcome, You are Faithful and Good and always will be.

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Other posts:

Is this God’s will?

Journaling as a Tool for Hearing God’s Voice

Teaching me to Trust

Is this God's will?

In the last blogpost, I talked about the process of writing.  That post in itself has made me think about life and how often we take shortcuts when we are discerning God’s will for our lives…(If you haven’t read the last post, have a quick look now, it will make the later part of this post make a lot more sense!)

As I am growing in my relationship with God, I am learning how to discern His leading more and more.  And as I do, I keep asking, how can I go even deeper? How can I know what He wants me to do all the time and not just guess?

One of the things I have learned in the last few years is about patience and not making decisions under pressure.  There are few times since we moved to Peru five years ago when we have needed to make a rushed decision.  In fact, only one sticks out in my mind - that of moving out of our rented house and buying a new one.  It all happened in 13 days from idea conception to moving in, and God clearly guided the way.  He gave us hints, Bible passages, visions, total financial provision where there had been none, opened doors and miraculous happenings as confirmation that it was all Him. 

Other decisions we have to make are not so clear cut. 

Take travelling for example.  I always find it incredibly difficult to book flights because I never know when the right moment to book and the exact dates we should book. Mark is hoping to travel to the jungle every month next year, and we need to decide when he should travel on each trip.  Sometimes, perhaps it doesn’t matter, but on other occasions, it will.  Do we book earlier to get potentially cheaper prices, or do we wait?

What about logic? Of course, we can look at the calendar over the next year and look at key dates to avoid, we can see when it is most difficult for Mark to be away (over weekends), etc. But ultimately there are things we can’t foresee.  And, yes, I know there is grace for that, but I don’t want to just be limited to logic and grace! I want to live by relationship! Principles – trying to do the right thing, are good, but can become religious.  Relationship leads to life (and most definitely, an adventure!)

Bill Johnson says: “If you live by a principle, you will be right a lot.  If you live by the presence, you can be right all the time”.

I want to be right all the time! (And yes, not just because I was one of those kids at school who always wanted to be right, but because I actually want to have a relationship with God where I know His heart!)

This week Mark and I discussed visiting a jungle town I would love to visit again in January.  We both love the idea and had provisionally agreed to the idea with one another over the phone.  I then lay on the bed and started pondering the details of the trip and a voice came into my mind: ‘Have you actually asked Me if I want you to go on that trip? Have you asked My opinion?’.  

And no, we hadn’t.  What do you think? I asked, boldly.  It’s not my idea. Came the response.

Good idea? Maybe.  God idea? Nope.

And so I was reminded just how important it is for us to take time to ask God His opinion. (Didn’t the Israelites suffer from presumption too?) And for us to actively seek God’s will in our prayers.  To spend time (note the word ‘time’ here, not ‘a moment’) wrestling, thinking about, discussing, praying, and seeking confirmation for an idea. 

And so here is where the relationship to the last post comes in – how often do we include God in making our decisions? How often do we specifically acknowledge thinking and praying time (and actively engage in it) before we ‘write’ the plan? Or do we just do our research and then begin writing?

And God is reminding me too, that it isn’t my responsibility to find our His will – it’s His responsibility to show me.  My responsibility is to seek Him.   And to leave anxiety to one side.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

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Other blogposts on discerning God's will: 

1. When Doubt Means Wait

On enjoying the journey:

2. When I can't feel Him (Stop being a baby!)

3. An Unhurried Path

4. Selah