Nancy is not (yet!) married, but I asked her to share some of her journey towards marriage. She is one of my closest friends - we have lunch together every day in community and share life together. She is such a blessing to my life, and it has been so exciting to see her relationship with Ronald grow over the past year and see her debunking these myths she mentions in this post throughout that time:
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A note to you, from someone who’s unmarried.
Discovering the top 5 relationship truths after years of living in a
culture of not-so-true “truths.”
1. It’s all about finding the perfect person.
There are no perfect
people. I used to wonder what would happen if I supposedly “found the perfect
person” when I was already with someone else. Would I leave the one I was with
for the seemingly perfect one? Would I regret being in the relationship I was
in?
Now, granted, I am not
married, but I am in a relationship with pretty amazing guy who also happens to
be one of my teammates and best friend. Throughout the period of our
relationship, other guys have come along, and to be honest, I have found myself
thinking “what would my life be like if I were with so-and-so instead?”
What I found is that I
didn’t want to lose what I’d constructed with Ronald, whom I treasure so much;
and while it’s absolutely crucial to seek God completely in the mate selection
process, I propose that the focus should be more on the construction of a
treasured relationship rather than the hopeless treasure hunt for the perfect
person.
2. Honeymoon sex will be glitch-free.
I have found that I, like many young single
women, have shared these expectations that everything would just be “perfect” after
the vows had been said. And, needless to say, I’ve received more than one phone
call from a dear friend after her honeymoon letting me know that her
expectations really made things difficult to live up to in the bedroom.
We learn in church to not
have sex till we’re married. But what happens after marriage? Sadly, Hollywood
has written the curriculum when it comes to widespread sex education, leading
to expectations that are not so realistic. Now, mind you, I’m not trying to
minimize one of the most amazing things God created, but, can I just be blunt
for a minute? Hollywood totally failed to mention the awkward moments many newlyweds
have trying to figure things out? Where are bathroom trips before and/or after
couples “fall in love” and “fall into bed” together?
We could make a list of unrealistic
things that happen in the movies and not on the honeymoon or really anywhere
soon after. Studies show that most couples experience the best sex at 16-20
years of marriage. What Hollywood-influenced lies are we believing about our
current or future sex life? How is that
affecting our expectations of ourselves or our partner, and ultimately,
intimacy?
3. Conflict is bad--Avoid it at all costs!
In
my house, when my parents had a disagreement, the atmosphere became a pregnant
thundercloud enveloping our house, threatening to burst and spew its contents
at any moment. My parents were very good about discussing their disagreements
away from us, but even so, the general feeling in the house was that if you can
avoid a conflict, do so at all costs.
However, since before I
began dating Ronald, I found that conflict is actually an opportunity to learn
something new about the other person and grow closer to them. There are two
things I found to be essential in working through conflict: The first is choosing not to react. I’m not talking about the silent
treatment, nor am I talking about being passive aggressive, because both of
those things would also be classified as reacting. I am talking about taking a
step back, asking God for his opinion on the situation while putting my own
feelings aside, and then acting.
The second is not assuming. When I take
a moment (either then or later on after we’ve both cooled down) to actually ask
Ronald more about where he is coming from (and vice versa), many times, we find
that something one of us had originally assumed is simply not true. The
conflict at hand is rarely the “real” conflict for us. Past hurts, lies we have
unconsciously chosen to believe or misconceptions about the other person or
about God all play a part in the roots of the conflicts that arise between us.
Now I’m not claiming that
these are fix-it-all relationship tools, but they definitely help to grow
closer to one another instead of apart.
4. “Falling in love” will get you through marriage and life.
And maybe get you to be through
with a marriage if that’s all you’re going on. Just because you don’t
“feel” in love with someone does not mean that that person is no longer for
you. It just means that you have to choose to love that person even when you
don’t feel it.
5. Marriage is a magical transformation.
Yes,
it’s true, two become one. But, I’m learning that the “becoming” takes longer
than the two seconds it takes to say “I do.” You really are never actually “ready”
or have everything figured out before you walk down the isle. Marriage is
something that is constructed, rather than given to us in a pretty gift- wrapped
box. I am realizing that no two marriages are the same, and that many times,
both individuals’ personal abilities to communicate, problem solve, and their
own understanding of their identity in Christ are all key indicators to what
type of marital relationship they will
have. I am learning that a truly healthy
marriage is really impossible if it only involves two people- Christ must be
the center of every flourishing marriage.
There are so many more things that I’m learning through this incredible
experience of preparing for marriage and sharing life with those who are
already married. I am so thankful for
this season of life.
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Nancy is a missionary in Lima, Peru, with Oikos church where she is head of pastoral care. She loves to make headbands and paint when she is not dealing with the latest crisis and hopes to get married to Ronald in the not too distant future!
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