Need space? Seek grace!

Our house is full – as well as two young children, we currently have three young adults living in community with us, and regularly have neighbours and people we are discipling popping in (or lingering!), as well as many ministry and social activities happening.

At times it is crazy. At times we definitely need God’s grace and perspective to not become overwhelmed!

One of the values high in my life and our community here is to work from rest and not live continually resting from work. We try to have lives that are balanced and effective, recognizing that it is from a place of rest we are fruitful. (John 15)

Jesus set a pattern of rest and personal boundaries, but he was also surprising in his compassion towards people in times when we would have expected him to withdraw completely.

John the Baptist had just been beheaded, and after the news reached Jesus he went sailing alone. (See Matthew 14) I imagine he needed time to get his head around the news, to cry perhaps or offer up one of those ‘I trust you, Father, even though I don’t fully understand right now’ prayers.

Arriving on the shore, instead of withdrawing to his home to complete a time of mourning and readjustment, he sees the people there and his heart goes out to them – he begins to minister to them.

That is often how I feel – I feel like I have nothing to minister out of – I am tired, overwhelmed, need more than an hour or two of personal space (I am an introvert after all!). Yet, when someone who is spiritually or physically hungry appears on the doorstep, I have to call on God’s grace, trust that He will sustain me and even do miraculous things. And amazingly faithfully, he does. Every time.

‘I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being’ – Ephesians 3:16

Fighting for Joy

I want to be a joyful person. No matter what I do, however, I always seem to get overwhelmed by my circumstances at times. Even though I pray for joy, there are days when it does not come.

So I thought, maybe there is a bit more to joy than just expecting it to appear one day – maybe there are actual steps and things I can do to intentionally be joyful. The Bible even commands us to ‘rejoice in the Lord always.’ (Philippians 4:4)

So I decided to do a bit of an internet search on the discipline of joy. It came up with some interesting (and hilarious!) results. One site suggested I got hold of some CDs of people laughing uncontrollably and listen to it regularly! (Or failing that, I could make funny faces at myself in the mirror!)

Although I am sure laughter is a great way to lighten the spirit, what about those days when I don’t want to laugh? What about those days which are hard and sad?

Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:10 that he is ‘sorrowful, yet always rejoicing;’ so there has to be a godly rejoicing that maintains us throughout difficult circumstances or down days.

John Piper has written two very interesting books on the subject: ‘When I don’t desire God: fighting for Joy’ and ‘When the darkness does not lift’. I am currently going through the first book with a study guide.

So what have I learnt so far? God is the one who awakens joy in us. We just have to be willing. We can’t make ourselves joyful, we can just focus on Him and allow him to awaken a desire for Him. Seeking joy in God is not only a good thing, it is a necessary thing, simply because ‘God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.'

So what do I plan to do? Just pray that God would awaken a desire in me for more of Him each day, and that that would awaken more joy in my life. My prayer is that I would overflow with His joy.

What is your prayer?

Divine Patience

Someone told me recently that I had ‘divine patience’. I pondered the difference between divine patience and patience in general. I don’t see myself as a particularly patient person (I’m sure my husband would agree!) but maybe, just maybe, with Solomon’s death, I have been given a glimmer of what divine patience looks like. Perhaps it could be defined like this:

‘trusting in a hope of what is to come, despite life’s current circumstances’.

Two weeks ago, Solomon was due to be born. When he left my womb back in August, I thought that I would find these dates really hard. I didn’t. The thing is, I find it difficult to be sad about Solomon’s death, because I don’t see him as dead, but as alive in heaven. I find it sad that I don’t get to see him growing up now, but I actually believe that God will show me his life when I get to heaven and at some point, there, what I lost here will be fully restored there. So maybe what it is really about is divine patience. One day, we will meet and I will play a part in his life and we will share moments in eternity. What I have lost is only temporary, and it just takes patience until it gets restored again. And how strange we will find it then – that it was so hard to wait, when then, life on earth will seem such a quick brushstroke in the masterpiece of eternity.

‘So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.’ - 2 Corinthians 4:18

Would I eliminate loss?

One of the questions one is tempted to ask when loss happens is ‘Why?’ and often more personally, ‘Why me?’ As you may have read on my ‘Will You Carry Me?’ Website, it is actually a question I chose not to ask when Solomon died, but I am aware that it is a very common response to loss of any kind. We seek to find answers, and with a loss like a miscarriage or stillbirth, that question is often left unanswered.

But maybe, a more helpful question, if you choose to go down that route, is ‘Why not me?’

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading Jerry Sittser’s book ‘A Grace Disguised.’ It is a very contemplative look at loss in general (he lost his mother, wife and youngest daughter in one day in a car accident). One of the chapters of his book is called ‘Why not me?’ Jerry questioned why it was that he, a relatively good man had lost so much, whilst the drunk-driver who caused the accident failed to be brought to satisfactory justice. Often we seek justice, he comments, but the reality is, we would hate to live in a world which was completely just – then there would be no room for God’s grace.

If every bad thing I did was held against me forever, and only bad things happened to bad people and good things to good people, where would there be room for the lavish grace of God?

So would I eliminate loss?

No.

Although I don’t get to see Solomon grow up here, I know that actually his death will be completely redeemed and I will just have to be patient until I get to meet him in Heaven. (Please don’t assume I am happy he died, or that it wasn’t painful, but just that I understand there is a greater perspective and redemption of all things in heaven for those who love Jesus.) And, as I talked about in the last post – the very fact that I had to face death has given me with a life I hadn’t known before. In the face of loss, I have received heaps of God’s undeserved grace.

‘So, God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering’ - A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

Being Alive

One of the things I have experienced since Solomon’s death, (and read that it is common after a loss) is an overwhelming feeling of being alive. When I first saw my living children after finding out Solomon was no longer alive inside my womb, they seemed so vivid to me. They were so fascinating – so spiritually real. Not because they were my children, but because they were unaffected by the news – they carried on oblivious to it whilst I felt like my head had been hit with a sledgehammer!

Facing death has made me realize more about what being alive means. I don’t mean in a clichéd theoretical way (‘at least I’m still alive, be grateful for that’) but that I FEEL more alive in my soul and my spirit. Areas of my life I took for granted before, I now see the value of. I feel like I now understand why Jesus said a man had to die if he was going to follow Him. It is only when we face and embrace death do we realize the joy and power in true life. Before Solomon’s death, I would have counted the cost and compromised on much, but now I am so much more focused on the importance of now. Choosing to be alive to and invest in as many moments as possible.

Jesus’ words no longer sound harsh and hard to me, but wise and with a hidden mystery that is only discovered as we embrace his words:

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.” - Luke 9:23-24

Receiving blessing

Last night someone told me they had a vision of a house with open doors and ducks. Little did they know, they were describing my dream house as a child. My dream house would have one of those split stable– kitchen doors that lead onto the garden, with a river at the bottom. I dreamed of having white ducks in the garden, paddling in the river or wandering into the kitchen.

(photo by Zenera)

It seemed weird to be reminded of this. It made me feel uncomfortable about my worldly desires. And let's face it, in reality, keeping ducks would probably be rather messy and impractical! But I felt God saying he wants to awaken me to something more. It is not about getting my dream house or seeking after that, but it is about being willing to accept blessings from heaven.

Because we work with some very poor people here in Peru, even having a lovely house and all that we need and more seems uncomfortable at times. But I know that God chose this house for us, that it is essential for our ministry and lastly, HE WANTED TO BLESS US! Why do I find that so uncomfortable?

I think it is partly the unease I feel towards a prosperity-type Gospel that I interpret (perhaps wrongly) to mean ‘seek after wealth’ instead of Matthew 6:33. I don’t like the idea of demanding things from God, and I find it is perhaps even dangerous, when it leads us to feeling faithless when we don’t have it.

But on the other end, can I enjoy and grateful and gracefully receive the blessings God does want to pour out on my life?And recognise that ultimately they are to be a blessing to others too?

I guess it starts with a place of inner contentment and humility (both of which are constant struggles.) If I am content with what I have now, then any blessing is truly a blessing, an undeserved gift from a Loving Father.

And if I am truly going to bless those we minister to, I first have to be blessed – I can’t draw water from a dry well.

Where is God asking you to receive an undeserved blessing from Him?

How does He want you to bless others out of the blessing you have received?

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33