Facing up to C section disappointment

Facing up to my disappointments with Kaleb’s birth being a C-section, I have been thinking about Jesus’ decision to go to the cross.

We were given the decision to continue trying for a natural breech birth with Kaleb, or transfer for a C section. In prayer, we felt God telling us the only way forward was a C section, and in obedience we agreed to the transfer, that probably saved his life (the cord was around his neck and too short to allow him to come down naturally). At the moment of decision, we had a choice between life and death. Obedience and death to desires; or disobedience and physical death. It was a choice that wasn’t a choice!

Jesus too, chose to go to the cross, given the choice that really wasn’t a choice considering the outcomes!

But the fact that we chose the C-section, and Jesus chose the cross does not mean there was no trauma involved. It does not mean there was no suffering. It just gave meaning to the suffering. Even in Jesus’ resurrected body, the holes in his hands were still there – a reminder of the cost of his resurrection.

I am very grateful for Kaleb’s life and to God for guiding us in the process of his birth. But, as I wrote about in the previous post about binding, part of the healing process for me is speaking out the pain in order to give it over to God. Since writing the following poem, I have felt cleansed from much of the hurt I felt about the surgery. I thought very hard about publishing this poem, as it is very personal, but I know that other women have had to deal emotionally with having C-sections and the feelings of loss associated with that, so for that reason, I have decided to publish it. It was not my intention to be negative or ungrateful about the C-section, but to be real and recognize that my God is strong enough to bind me as I heal!

Like a lamb led to the slaughter

Laid on back

Arms strapped down

Stripped naked

Shivering helplessly

Drugged

Hidden behind a blue screen

In that moment no care for the baby

I just wanted the assault to be over

Perhaps it would be better to just be asleep.

Think positively.

Why are images of palm trees flooding my mind?

Is it over yet?

It was only your sharp, squeaky cry that managed to cut through my indifference and cause tears to run down my cheeks – tears I couldn’t wipe away.

´Kiss him´

An order.

A drugged kiss upon a forehead I could hardly see. A hazy view.

Then gone. Whisked away.

That was it.

That was the birth.

Left all alone in a room full of masked men arguing over the date of your arrival.

0:01 August 6^th 2011.

Someone else comforting my baby.

Someone else catching his first glimpses.

Someone else attending to him.

Laid out alone without you.

The only part of me covered: the breasts that should have been nursing you.

Calming voices telling me to breathe

I want to scream.

As a sheep before her shearers is silent

I breathe and the shivering diminishes for two seconds

Endless minutes of numbness

How long does it take to sew it all up?

Why won’t someone get me a blanket?

Why is my baby not with me?

I am wheeled away to the ´recovery´ room

Two ladies talk harshly and tell me to stop shivering.

They give me a blanket but keep removing it to check the bleeding

The shivering swells and quells and I am all alone

´Shake your legs´ the women bark

I try.

´When can I leave?’

‘No talking. When you can shake your legs.’

I want to get out of here. Where are those who can speak kind words?

All my shivers dissolve into forcing my legs into action

Ever so slowly they respond.

´Right. Shift yourself onto this bed´

They push and pull and I am onto the bed and wheeled away along cold empty midnight corridors

I would like to say my first moments with my baby were beautiful

But I don’t remember much of when they brought him to me.

I remember he nursed straight away and looked at me briefly.

I remember that my eyes would not stay open and flickered helplessly.

I remember the relief that they reunited us straight away.

I remember refusing to let them take him away again.

The surgery rescued my baby from probable death

It was his only way out

The ‘decision’ to go to the cross

The choice of life or death

Does not negate the suffering

It just validates it

After the suffering of his soul,

He will see the light of life and be satisfied

ISAIAH 53:11

Recovering

August each year, we set aside a month to reflect, recover and step back from much of our ministry responsibilities. Last year, it was timely as we lost our son, Solomon at 17 weeks pregnant. This year, late July and early August has seen the death of Mark’s mum, a robbery at our home and the birth of Kaleb Josiah, by C-section, much to my disappointment.

As a family, there is a lot to recover from!

As I process my disappointment at having to have a hospital C-section birth, and all the little things I hated about it, God has been talking to me about binding.

On day 2 after the surgery, I had to get out of bed. The first two times I tried, I couldn’t get up. I nearly fainted with the pain. The third time, the nurses bound my tummy with my belly-support belt and slowly, I managed to get up.

That belly support, bound tightly around my abdomen, allowed me to get up and walk around (like a granny!) for the first few days after the surgery.

Binding is an ancient method in supporting healing. Not only does it provide support and protection to the wound, lessening pain; the compression alleviates swelling and promotes healing.

Emotionally too, I have been allowing God to bind me. The C section was necessary and probably saved Kaleb’s life and I am grateful for it. But that does not mean suffering was not involved, both physically and emotionally. Allowing God to put pressure on those emotional wounds, He has given me a safe place to explore the questions and pains I have had.

I don’t understand why God allowed Mark’s mum to die, our car parts to be robbed and Kaleb’s birth to be a C section, when it went against the desires of my heart, but I do know that His perspective is different, and in the words of Steve Curtis Chapman, ‘God is God, and I am not’. I am recognizing areas I have failed to trust. I am learning to trust Him again and it is good!

Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1

I love that God binds up our wounds. He lovingly applies pressure to us, supporting us in our pain and not denying it, strengthening us and allowing us to find life amongst all of life’s struggles.

A Thousand Gifts Challenge

Can you think of a thousand things you are thankful for?

For many months I have wanted to write about thankfulness. For weeks, I have been asking God to show me how to cultivate thankfulness in my life and in the life of our community.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a concrete answer.

We have been talking about gratitude and embracing the moment in our Thursday night Bible Study. We have been talking about how it is not our lives that need to change, but our attitudes to our lives. Many inconveniences and troubles affect our lives. Life is out of our control and many things can potentially rock us and lead us down roads of complaint and moaning and even to depression and despair.

So how do we respond?

Everything is about perspective.

If we want to have joy in our lives now, we have to start being thankful for what we do have.

Enter Ann Voskamp’s book ‘A Thousand Gifts’. In this book, Ann too wonders how she can be more thankful, in a practical way. A friend challenges her to write a list of one thousand things that she loves, that she is thankful for, a thousand gifts from God. That list becomes a habit which changes her life.

I have started my list. Currently, I am at 354. I write a dozen or so things a day, and the habit is life-transforming. This week thieves took off with thousands of dollars of our car electrics, and all I found myself doing was looking for ways I could thank God in the situation!

Not all things are huge gifts, in fact many are simply things that point me more towards God:

89: Sinking into bed

98: Trying out a new recipe

132: Seeing Daniel and Joel cuddled up on the sofa watching TV

142: White ducks

158: Open fires

150: The beginning of the day

Many of these things, I am only thankful for and realize I love because I have taken a moment to consider them.

And as I consider the things that do make me alive, I become more alive. As I highlight my thankfulness, I am filled with joy.

Don’t rush through today – consider the moments God has given you to enjoy. Be thankful.

What are you going to put on your list?

Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work— this is a gift of God. - Ecclesiastes 5:19

The week I was angry at God

This blog post is a little longer than I like to write, but I felt the length was important so you can understand the details of this testimony.

Last week I was angry at God for the first time that I remember. In fact, I was angry at almost everything, and so, painful though it was to admit it, I had to admit that I was angry at God too.

Now, I know that it is stupid to be angry at God, because I know in my head that He is loving and perfect and wants the best for me, but in the middle of my anger, I felt like God’s hand had turned against me. Even though I knew He loved me, He didn’t want to show it to me at that point, at least not in the way that I wanted.

You see, for some reason unbeknown to myself (as logically it really did not matter), I was really angry that my 33 week old baby in womb was in the breech position. I had already prayed about it and felt a real certainty (faith you could say), that he was going to turn before the birth, but every day, as I felt the top of my belly, I could still feel the hard ball of his head, causing a plummeting feeling in my soul: a constant disappointment. I was really beginning to understand the verse ‘a hope deferred makes the heart sick’ (Proverbs 13:12) – I didn’t want to see anybody, I was angry with everything, and I was angry with God for making me wait when it seemed such an unnecessary thing for me to have to wait for. I was angry with myself too, that I was so angry and withdrawn over something so stupid. I tried to find time to talk to my husband about it, but our conversations just ended up in petty arguments about whether or not I had asked him to do something in a nice or a nasty tone of voice. And I felt stupid admitting that my negative mood was over something currently irrelevant.

Monday. Scan. Baby still head up. Good news: no obstructions and no cord around neck and plenty of amniotic fluid so, no reason why he couldn’t turn. So why won’t you turn?

Tuesday. Baby still head up. It’s our wedding anniversary and we take our boys to a hotel with a Jacuzzi because we can’t afford one with an indoor swimming pool and the doctor won’t give me permission to fly somewhere sunny. I spend part of the afternoon floating in the bath, praying the baby will turn. I go to sleep that night, daring a half-prayer to God that I would love it if, please, for my birthday, he could give me the gift of the baby turning. I am scared to pray it, as I am afraid of more disappointment, more proof that God’s hand is against me. I also know I have been like a stroppy toddler, having a tantrum because I haven’t been getting my own way, so there was no reason for me to deserve that gift.

Wednesday. Baby moved a lot in the morning. What that an attempt at turning? Still a hard bump at the top, but it feels different – could it be a bottom instead of his head? Go and see a new doctor in the afternoon. She is one of the only doctors in Peru who is comfortable with doing natural breech births. Not that that was the reason I was going to see her, as I was sure he was going to turn round. More that her methods are similar to the midwifery led care I experienced in England, rather than the medicalized focus on birth found almost exclusively here in Peru.

And if God did choose to ignore my prayer, then at least I wouldn’t have to go under the surgeon’s knife.

I told the doctor I had felt movements in the morning. I told her the baby could have moved round but I wasn’t sure. She smiled and told me she would have a feel. I got up onto the examining table and she gently felt my belly at the top and the bottom.

‘Definitely feels like he is head down to me’ She tells me.

Could it be true?

‘Yes, I’m 95% certain he is head down. That bump at the top definitely feels like a bottom, not a head.’

And so, despite my tantrums, my anger, my internal strops, my frustrated impatience, God graciously allowed the baby to turn. On my birthday. A gift. Completely undeserved. A lavish example of His grace.

Now isn’t that what grace is truly about? A gift not just unexpected, but completely undeserved.

And, if I had had my own way, I would have missed it.

It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace – Hebrews 13:9

Keep it simple

I have recently started homeschooling Daniel, our eldest, and I have been thinking about it and exploring ideas for a couple of years now. But as I worry about what we should do, I am reminded that character is primary, knowledge is secondary.
I have to keep reminding myself to keep it simple.

As the average number of people in our house increases monthly and the number of people we cook for also goes up, I try hard to think of inspiring meals that will work for large numbers of adults. Some days ready-washed salad, ready-made hamburgers and rice are perfect.

I have to keep it simple.

As the moments I get to myself are limited and often interrupted, I have to make sure I don’t put too much pressure on myself. I have to make sure I don’t use the lack of time as an excuse to not spend time with God. Two minutes meditating on one verse can be day-transforming.

I have to keep it simple.

I worry that my children don’t have enough extra-curricula activities or enough exposure to cultural things, or other children, and then I think about it, and realize that they do, and that they have a whole childhood to experience different things. I realize that the most important thing is their inner relationship with God and that they are peaceful, not rushed.

I realize that it is better to keep it simple.

As the demands from others come knocking on the door, I have to remember I am limited, it is okay to sometimes say 'no' and keep it simple.

I often focus on tomorrow and have to remind myself to slow down and enjoy today

– just stick with the simple.

It is so freeing.

It is so simple.

‘A plain and simple life is a full life.’

– Proverbs 13:7b (The Message)

Dr. House – a modern day Rabbi

We have 'House' nights in our community. During one of those evenings, I was trying to think of a modern-day example of Jewish Rabbi-discipleship when it struck me that Dr. House himself is an excellent example.

I recently wrote about Jewish discipleship under a Rabbi and what discipleship looked like in Jesus’ day. (Click here to read article). It was intense, all-consuming, intentional and life-transforming. Few Christians today are willing to disciple others, (perhaps with the exception of their own children), in such a committed way.

Now, let me just stop for a moment and say that although the aim of this article is to discuss Dr. House’s leadership akin to a Rabbi-discipleship relationship, please don’t mistake my analysis of his leadership as setting an example of a great role-model. Dr. House has some serious flaws (drug addiction, a god-complex, arrogance, shocking ethical standards…) and I am not encouraging you to become a disciple of him! Rather, I want to highlight the ways that his Rabbi-style leadership is similar to the Jewish style of Rabbi-discipleship and examine the ways that it is effective in creating disciples.

1. Dr. House has an extreme personal commitment to his cause. He will stick to a case at all costs, even after the death of a patient. His desire to ‘solve the case’, makes him relentless in his search for the answer.

Those Christians, who know the prize, are willing to pay the price. In order to lead others, we must have our eyes on the prize, and not waver. We have to learn perseverance!

Run in such a way as to get the prize. – 1 Corintians 9:24

Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us – Hebrews 12:1

2. Dr. House expects 24 hour commitment to the cause from his disciples too. He has no regard for their ‘personal’ lives, their relationships or free time, if they are needed on the case.

That sounds reminiscent of Jesus’ challenge to his disciples:

“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” Matthew 10:37

(Please note I am not saying we should neglect our families or rest for the sake of ministry. If you want a healthy ministry, you need a healthy family and rest. This verse is more about idolizing family and free time above obedience to God’s call, rather than neglecting personal responsibilities.)

3. Dr. House knows his authority and does not need to prove it. He is secure in his identity as the best diagnostician in the area.

If we are going to be able to stand under persecution and trial, and lead others through it too, we need to understand our identities as children of God, and our authority to stand against the kingdom of darkness. As Bill Johnson reminds us, we can only sleep in a storm we have authority over.

4. Dr. House understands that because of the controversial nature that he practices medicine, he needs a team that is completely committed to him. They must be prepared to do anything he asks of them, from menial tasks, to ones they don’t understand, and even dangerous ones. They have to trust him.

God often leads us down strange paths and we do not understand what He is doing. He often asks us to trust in Him, and do things we don’t want to do, in order to make us more Christ like.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight – Proverbs 3:5-6

5. Dr. House encourages open dialogue, questioning and group discussion to come up with new diagnostic ideas. Everyone is expected and required to participate in the discussion, abate others’ ideas and come to a personal conviction of which treatment idea they agree with.

This is a very Jewish practice. Learning was rarely a solitary event, and disciples would study, debate and question the scriptures in small groups. Jesus encouraged dialogue with his disciples, often asking them questions or giving them riddles to solve. Jesus understood that to participate in a discussion meant active learning, and having to challenge personal convictions.

6. Dr. House uses practical examples to teach his team. Often he leaves the explanation of why he is doing something seemingly deadly until after the procedure, in order to give his team the opportunity to work out things for themselves.

Jesus often waited until after a miracle to explain his reasons to his disciples. He often left parables unexplained to the masses, and only explained their meaning later in a smaller group. (e.g. Parable of the Sower)

7. Dr. House confronts his team regularly with issues in their personal lives, causing them to question their motives and grow as a result. He leaves them space to make mistakes and make ‘wrong decisions’, understanding that they will get there in the end. He often asks them to do menial tasks just to challenge an area of their personality.

Jesus was not scared of allowing his disciples make mistakes and he challenged them on their errors. He gave Judas the money bag, even though he took from it. He reinstated Peter after his denial. He challenged the fighting amongst the disciples about who was the most important. He used difficult situations to confront his disciples and help them to grow from them.

8. Dr. House has complete commitment to his team. He wants the best out of his doctors and he will challenge them, seek them out in their homes etc. in order to get them to overcome any hurdles they have in following the cause. Even though he often shows it in unconventional and often illogical ways, he deeply cares about his team, (even if it is just because he needs them to solve the case.)

Jesus was completely committed to his disciples, even to his death. He never gave up on them, even when they denied him, and never stopped lovingly and patiently teaching them. How we need spiritual parents and leaders today who are prepared to do the same thing.

Can you think of any other ways Dr. House is a great example of Rabbi-discipleship?

Are you making disciples?

Photo credit : (cc-by-nc-nd) Bruno Monginoux /
www.Landscape-Photo.net : nature and urban photography, free stock photos

We talk a lot about discipleship in our house.

We have people living with us constantly, we have a small leadership team who we meet with regularly in the week and we have the people in the wider church who the leadership team connect with regularly. Reading ‘Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus’ by Ann Spangler and Lois Trevberg, and having previously listened to lots of fascinating talks by Ray Vander Lann, I have been reflecting more on what discipleship meant in Jesus’ day. What assumptions and distortions have we put on the word ‘discipleship’ when we look at it through Western eyes?

Be honest, how would you define ‘making disciples?’ Bear in mind, Jesus told his first disciples to ‘go and make disciples of all nations’ and those of us who wish to be known as Jesus’ disciples have the same call today.

Perhaps for you, like for me, you might use the word ‘teaching’, or you might think about meeting up once a week for a bible study and prayer. Perhaps it means encouraging those under your leadership to attend church regularly or take on responsibilities within the church. Perhaps it includes a mentoring time once a month.

These are all great.

But they are far from the Eastern view of discipleship.

It is far from what Jesus modeled.

In Jesus’ day:

1) Disciples were called by a rabbi to give up everything and follow the rabbi, wherever they went. That meant eating together, living together and sometimes even going to the bathroom together! The disciple would not want to miss out on anything they could learn from their rabbi.

2) Disciples served their rabbi and learnt humility doing so. This was important to make their hearts moldable and open to the strong character-transforming teaching of the rabbi.

3) Disciples received training ‘on the job’, by learning from real-life situations. Verbal teaching was often a result of an issue that had been highlighted or a situation that arose. The rabbi favored the use of parables or illustrations to help hammer the point home to the disciple.

So that leads me to consider some important questions:

1) Who are my disciples and am I willing to live transparently before them and include them in much of my daily life?

2) Am I modeling servant leadership? If so, where in turn, can my disciples learn to serve so they can have their hearts softened?

3) Am I taking the time to prayerfully highlight issues with my disciples, explaining and teaching them the right way to go?

It also highlights for me the importance of missional communities and community living as being powerful tools for discipleship.

Since moving to Peru, we have had many ‘disciples’, live with us for a time – those who have ‘caught’ what we are about much more than having been ‘taught’. We have seen the power of opening our lives up to others.

I recognize too that intentional discipleship is costly – it is sacrificial and down right hard at times to demonstrate servant-leadership early in the morning, to confront your own issues and apologize and address those of your disciples, all the while choosing to live transparently. It is hard to have people sharing your house, your fridge, and your soap but not your washing up! No wonder Jesus said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24)

What about those who I call ‘disciples’ in the church? Am I actually discipling others or am I keeping them at a distance, teaching them with words or studies, but unwilling to allow them access to me, my life, my family, my ‘free-time’?

I’m not saying we should not have boundaries, but as with parenting children, are we allowing our disciples to experience our lives, see our weaknesses, ‘catch’ our strengths and be challenged?

Who are you truly discipling?