Marriage Month Posts

Here is the final list of all the posts: 

Reflecting on Marriage Month

And so February comes to an end, and so does this series of Marriage Month blogposts.  This month and the run-up to this month has been an adventure.  I have experienced some major breakthroughs, and always a struggle beforehand!  Even the idea to do this month came after a morning of battling with discouragement and fighting with Mark and wanting to just curl up in bed. Having just missed the bus that comes every 10-15 minutes, I told God that unless a bus came in the next 2 minutes I was going home and going to bed! 

Dear Mark, a letter to my husband

Dear Mark,

This year we will have been married for 10 years.  Of all the things that I am thankful for, the number one is your faithfulness.

A note to the Unmarrieds: Debunking Marriage Myths by Nancy Lane

Nancy is not (yet!) married, but I asked her to share some of her journey towards marriage.  She is one of my closest friends - we have lunch together every day in community and share life together.  She is such a blessing to my life, and it has been so exciting to see her relationship with Ronald grow over the past year and see her debunking these myths she mentions in this post throughout that time: 

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To: “All the Unmarried Ladies (And Gentlemen)…”

A note to you, from someone who’s unmarried.

Discovering the top 5 relationship truths after years of living in a culture of not-so-true “truths.”

1. It’s all about finding the perfect person.   

There are no perfect people. I used to wonder what would happen if I supposedly “found the perfect person” when I was already with someone else. Would I leave the one I was with for the seemingly perfect one? Would I regret being in the relationship I was in?

Two Cultures Collide and Join - by Charmian Squire de Arevalo

Charmian and Dennis are fellow missionaries here in Lima, but more than that they are faithful, funny, compassionate friends.  My husband, Mark, says that Charmian is the most Peruvian British person he knows, and that her husband, Dennis, is the most British Peruvian person he knows.  I wonder if they were always like that or if two cultures colliding is what has shaped this inspiring couple?  Humourously written, here is a fascinating account of what one cross-cultural marriage looks like... 

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Many people ask me the important question “What’s it like having a cross-cultural marriage?” and then more a more difficult question: "Would you recommend it?”

Marriage Month - Review Week 3

We have finished the penultimate week of Marriage Month.  Did you enjoy the posts this week? Do share any favourites and post comments! 

Here is Week 3 in review for those who missed a day or want a re-read:

1. Our Best Piece of Marriage Advice - Hannah Absalom 

2. Is there such a thing as Spirit-filled sex? Part 1. - Anna Burgess

3. Is there such a thing as Spirit-filled sex? Part 2. - Anna Burgess

4. Feeling Bad - Allison Stroud

5. If I…Marriage Month - Anna Burgess

6. Marriage – Lessons learned - Robin Burgess

Click here to see Week 1 of Marriage Month

Click here to see Week 2 of Marriage Month

We're into the final stretch but there are still some great posts to come... See you on Monday! 

Marriage - Some Lessons Learned - by Robin Burgess

This post is a unique one in this series because it is written not only by  my father-in-law, but also because my husband’s Mark’s mother, Robin’s wife, Jean, passed away a year and a half ago.  I asked Robin to contribute because his position provides a reflection that perhaps many of us don’t think about on a day to day basis – that our marriage is temporary and one day we may outlive our spouse. Sometimes, a greater perspective helps us to not only appreciate what we do have, but also look beyond our current difficulties.   

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We were married for 37 years.  And there were 2½ years before that where we knew each other as `carefree youngsters’, before family and responsibilities became part of our lives.   Having just gone through the extremely painful experience of losing my wife of so long (just 1½ years ago as I write this, things are still quite tender but not as raw as they were 18 months ago), what advice might I give? What are the lessons the Lord has taught me?

Well, I can offer two thoughts:

If I... Marriage Month

Back in November 2011, I wrote a post about the difference between doing things to win love and doing things through love.  I felt God leading me to write an updated version, especially relating to marriage for this Marriage Month: 

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If I love my husband to win love, I feel resentful, cheated and justified in angry words when he doesn’t respond in the way I hoped.

If I love my husband through love, I am able to truly love, no matter how he responds or how long it takes for him to receive that love.

Feeling Bad by Allison Stroud

Allison is probably the most honest and open person I have ever met.  Actually, forget the 'probably' - she definitely is! We had the priviledge to have her live with us for 10 months before she got married to Daniel, and the priviledge of sharing those pre-marriage moments and lots of talk about sex! Now into her second year of marriage to Daniel, Allison has a really powerful testimony of how God has used true repentance in her marriage to bring about incredible blessing.  (Please note, Allison's husband, Daniel, has given his permission to the details mentioned in this post)  Enjoy:  

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As those who are married (or who are living in a community of some sorts) are probably well aware of, sharing your life with someone has a way of making you realize the things you do wrong like a slap in the face sometimes!

Is there such a thing as Spirit-filled Sex? Part 2

Did you manage to read, Part 1 yesterday? If not, here is the link! 

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Okay, I am still a little red in the cheeks from yesterday’s post, but I felt like there was another thing that the Holy Spirit showed me when I asked God to show me what sex was about from an eternal perspective.

One of my ponderings was, if we have access to the fullness of the Spirit as children of God, and there is a filling of the Spirit which raises our Spirits with joy – is there such a thing as Spirit-filled sex? Is there an act of worship that can be done in having sex? Is there a closeness and level of intimacy with God that can be found during sex?

What I realized is this: sex should be an act of faith.  And faith is what pleases God.

Hang on a minute, what do you mean?

Is there such a thing as Spirit-filled sex? Part 1.

So, here is it.  Part one of an article on sex.  I mean, how can we possibly have a marriage month without mentioning sex? I was hoping someone else might write a post about it, but seeing as that hasn't happened, it looks like it is down to me! Actually, over the last two months of planning, I tried to write several posts from different angles, but none of them worked.  Or rather, honestly, none of them were written for the right reasons. But, when I thought I was done writing posts for this month, God led me back to write about sex.  And because I am choosing to do things which purposefully confront my pride, even though I feel very vulnerable, I decided to go for it.  And it turned into two posts.  So here we are... have a quick look to check no one is reading over your shoulder, and off we go...!  

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There are several ways to have sex.  And I am not talking about positions!

Our Best Piece of Marriage Advice - by Hannah Absalom

Hannah and Alex are good friends of ours and have been mentors to Mark and I for the last 5 years.  They have spent many a skype call giving us marriage advice, asking us how everything is going and whether we are taking enough time together to be a couple.  They have done a great job in giving us wise advice when we have been stuck at a pit-stop or two along the way! Their marriage has been an inspiration to us, and I am so pleased that they have agreed to contribute to Marriage Month on this blog.  

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Our best piece of marriage advice?  My husband, Alex, and I were on a road-trip together the other day and were processing this question.  The first thing out of Alex's mouth was, “Choose Well!!” Very important!  Thankfully, I think I did choose well – hooray!

Presuming you've managed to do that, what would be another piece of good advice? 

Marriage Month - Review of Week 2

Another week has passed and we are half way through Marriage Month! I hope you have enjoyed the posts this week. Do take time to leave comments on the posts and share any posts you have enjoyed with your social network friends! 

Here is Week 2 in review for those who missed a day or want a re-read:

1. Battles in the bedroom - Anna Burgess

2. 10 Things I have learned about Marriage - Mark Burgess

3. Running Away - Helen Askew 

4. Catching the Little Foxes - Ben Askew

5. One reason why submission is so hard - Anna Burgess 

6. Chick Flicks - Stacy Yoakum 

Click Here to see Week 1 of Marriage Month 

Have a great weekend! 

Chick Flicks - by Stacy Yoakum

Stacy is a dear friend, and fellow missionary here in Lima, Peru.  She is a great listener and one of those friends who I like to thrash out new ideas and revelations with, as well as marriage ups and downs, babies, our boys and lastest Peruvian hilarities.  She has a beautiful heart and I am thrilled to share this beautiful post about God has used her marriage relationship (and Chick flicks!) to reveal more of the heart of God: 

One reason submission is so hard

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

1 Peter 3:1-6 (NIV)

This passage can be very uncomfortable for modern women.  We don’t like being told to submit.  We rebel against the spirit of control that we perceive in the words.

Catching the Little Foxes by Ben Askew

Ben's blog follows on from yesterday's blog by his lovely wife Helen. It's great to hear a husband's perspective on marriage struggles, and I know that my husband, Mark, will be able to identify with many of the things Ben mentions here...  

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A few days ago my wife posted about the way in which marriage, and any close relationship, can be a place where you are formed, grow and learn.  As is wise in a marriage; I agree with her.  A great marriage can be like an amazing, loving school where God slowly shapes you and trains you through closeness with another person.

The problem is that all too often I don't cooperate with that process.  Instead I find little ways to undermine, refuse or slow the things God wants to teach me.  I don't know if this is a man thing, a human thing or just a me thing, but I do know its too easy just to let things go,  to not talk about them, to sulk and refuse the lesson.  To undermine the marriage.

Running Away by Helen Askew

Despite going to school in Helen's hometown of Godalming, Surrey, we didn't actually meet until I moved to University in Sheffield.  Helen and Ben were just married by then, and our paths crossed here and there.  Then we both had boys within two months of each other and got to hang out at First Time Mum's group together every week, until Mark and I moved to Peru!  I have a lot of respect for Helen and Ben and their desire to train up the next generation.  They are people of outstanding faithfulness and I am so pleased to have both Helen and Ben contribute this week, (you can read Ben's post tomorrow!): 

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Ben and I have been married for over 11 years. Just like every couple, we’ve had ups and downs, good times and difficult times.  There have been difficult situations where we have had to learn how to pull together and come to Jesus to get through them, but often the challenges have just been when we annoy or frustrate one another, when we just can’t understand why the other is getting on our nerves so much! 

This was very true for me in the early days of marriage, when we were learning how to share our whole lives together and I would find myself getting really cross at Ben, often just for little things.

When I was growing up, I never really learnt how to deal with conflict in a healthy way.  My sister and I had lots of arguments: screaming and shouting, slamming doors and occasional physical fights.  My parents solution was to separate us until we calmed down and could say sorry, which worked to a degree. 

10 Things I have Learned about Marriage - by Mark Burgess

Today I get to share a few top tips on marriage from Mark, my awesome other-half! I asked Mark to contribute, because he has some wise things to say about the topic, and because I wanted you to hear from my husband on this month too! He has some really practical things to say, so read on... 

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1. The secret to marriage: Communication. When we don't talk and say what is going on inside the marriage suffers.

2. It is not what I do for Anna but the attitude that goes with the act that is more important. If it is good she feels loved, if it is bad she doesn't value the sacrifice I have made. 

3. Sex is best when I put my wife's desires and wants first. 

Battles in the bedroom

One of the things my Dad told me when Mark and I were recently married (and in the middle of an argument) was that we needed to acknowledge the powers of darkness in our fights. 

Satan doesn’t like marriage and he will do all he can to get you to be divided.

My Dad told me that he had learned to leave an argument he was having with my Mum, go to the bathroom and pray, and command the hand of the enemy to leave the place.  On returning he would find the emotions in the discussion diffused. 

Marriage Month - Review of Week 1

Wow, what a week! 

I hope you have enjoyed the posts this week and have had some time to reflect on marriage.  We still have three weeks to go, but in case you missed a day or would like to read an article again, here are this week's articles: 

1. Introduction to Marriage Month - Anna Burgess
2. What does respect mean anyway? - Anna Burgess
3. Two Ticks and No Dog - Ben & Deb Sternke
4. Me, Myself and I - Naomi Bhadreshwar
5. The Source - Anna Robinson 
6. Challenging Your Spouse to a Hamburger - Anna Burgess
7. Marry Me - Sally Breen 

See you on Monday! 

Marry Me by Sally Breen

Sally and Mike have always been incredibly encouraging of Mark and I, and we have deep respect for the way they so openly share their lives with others.  Here is a beautiful poem that Sally wrote about how she and Mike got together: 

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This should be read with the song MARRY ME by TRAIN in the background.

I met him when I was just 15.  I had been dancing and skipping and singing my way through childhood while he had been travelling and thinking and talking his way to become a teenager.

He entered my world through a door, an old wooden rough church door, someone new, a stranger, a friend?

Challenging Your Spouse to a Hamburger

One of the first things I said to Mark was a put-down.  He was bragging about his well-paid job in the north of England (which wasn’t that well-paid – I think he was trying to impress me!) I worked out his hourly rate in my head and exclaimed: “I earn more than that in my part-time job in London!” I was just 17, outspoken and bold, and he liked my sassiness. 

The Source by Anna Robinson

Despite coming from the same church in the UK, and crossing paths for many years now, I probably know more about Anna from her blog than from sharing life together and she would probably say the same! I invited Anna to share this month not only because she is a great writer, but because I also have a lot of respect for her and her husband, Rich, and their desire to live lives that others can imitate. AND I knew you would all love to hear what she has to say too! 

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I remember the precise moment when it clicked. The penny dropped. The scales fell from my eyes.

We’d argued. Not one of those slightly- raised- voice type of disagreements.  But one of those red-raw, swollen eyed, puffy cheeked, soul-wrenching arguments.

Me, Myself and I by Naomi Bhadreshwar

Naomi is one of my most gracious friends here in Lima, Peru. I love her beautiful generous heart and her stark honesty with her humanness and need for God.  It is refreshing. This article is no exception.  She shows us a reality all married people find, and dares to look at the reasons and the remedy in this very raw piece.     

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Me, myself and I

Ok, so I have just sat down to write this article on marriage.  The purpose?

To encourage you and myself this month as we consider and celebrate marriage and perhaps to share the odd pearl of wisdom gained in nearly 8 years of marriage.  However, I have to tell you I have just had an argument with my husband! 

Two Ticks and No Dog - by Ben and Deb Sternke

I have yet to meet Ben and Deb, but my husband Mark tells me they are amazing, so I am honoured and thrilled to have them contribute to this month's blog series.  You are not going to want to miss this piece, it's one of those simple but powerful truths that we all need to catch hold of:  

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Many years ago, Deb and I were sitting in a conference on marriage and family, and the speaker said one of the funniest and most helpful things we'd ever heard on marriage:

"Most marriages are two ticks and no dog."

What does respect mean anyway?

“You are a terrible mother, and a terrible wife.  Totally disrespectful.”

Those might not have been the exact words, but that’s how I heard them.  They then went on to list all the reasons why.

Mark sat there with me and said nothing.

The arrows sunk in deeper.

Join me for marriage month - I am so excited!

It was the day before my 19th birthday.  The bridesmaids had gone ahead and I stood waiting for the car to return.  My Dad and I.  He asked me if I was certain I wanted to do this.  Not because he didn’t believe in our relationship, or because he disapproved of Mark, but because he understood the nature of covenant and he was reminding me that from now on, divorce was not an option.  My commitment, in my mind, must be until death.  Did I understand that?