Presumption vs. Faith

I know it has been a little while since I have posted - it is not that life has been too busy, but rather that I have been working on some material for a series of posts that I am really excited about for February! I don't want to say too much now, but let's just say that I am really excited and you are going to get to hear from some different people too on a very important topic! 

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Last year, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Kaleb, a C-section looked likely.  He was breech and there is only one doctor I know here in Peru who would even consider a breech birth under certain conditions.  When I had visited her when I was pregnant with Joel, our second child, we hadn’t seen eye to eye.   But, feeling the leading of the Holy Spirit, I returned to see her 8 months pregnant, and this time we really connected. (The first time I had been to see her, I had been on the defensive and she had responded likewise to my lack of trust.)

I felt at ease with the doctor and when I went into labour, she did all she could to help me have a natural breech birth, but when Kaleb failed to descend, she felt that there was a reason why, and we should consider transferring to the hospital for a C-section.  Mark and I prayed and at that moment I saw in my mind a path which forked.  One way was a dead end blocked off, and I felt like God was saying that we had no choice, or rather we did – life or death!

Kaleb was born by C-section a few hours later, the cord round his neck so short that he was unable to descend.  He would have most likely died if we had forced a natural breech delivery. 

Now I don’t know exactly why God decided a C-section was the way Kaleb should be born.  It was definitely not for lack of prayer – I was so desiring and determined to have a natural birth.  But I do know that His perspective was bigger and at least part of the reason was to guide my friends through a similar situation a year later. 

But leading up to the day of Kaleb’s birth, I refused to consider a C-section.  I called it faith, but I now recognize it as presumption.  When I opened my Bible, I read verses such as “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” (Matthew 21:22) and “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) and I tried to muster up as much faith as possible – praying these verses and believing that it was God’s will for me to have a natural birth, especially seeing as that was His natural design for birth.

 

But the truth was, I was stuck in presumption.  I never asked God His will for this situation because I presumed it would be the same as mine.  I was also stuck in fear – I was unable to hear any answer other than a natural birth in my mind.  Many of the reasons I was so against having a c-section were because of bad experiences with medical personnel, and general lack of support for the early mother-baby bond here in Peru. (Babies are separated from their mothers for hours post-delivery and encouraged to be fed formula in the nursery so the mother can ‘rest’.  You have to be very firm to want to breastfeed your baby, or keep him or her with you after the initial compulsory separation period.)

What I hadn’t realized is that those fears were actually stopping me from trusting my Heavenly Father.  And because I couldn’t trust Him, I couldn’t hear His will.

It is very difficult to hear God’s will in our lives if we are only prepared to hear the response that we don’t fear.  And I wonder if the natural birth had actually become an idol to me and I was unwilling to lay it down until the end.  I don’t know whether if I had laid the natural birth down earlier willingly whether God would have changed the outcome, but I do know that I would have been able to have walked into the C-section with a lot more preparation and peace than I had. 

And so, as he has graciously healed my heart, amongst other things, with regards to medical situations, I have realized that I can hear His will more – even when it doesn’t make sense to me, because I can trust Him. I am open to hear responses from God that sound ‘wrong’ (like Old Testament Elijah being told to break purification laws to climb on top of a dead boy’s body, or David and his friends eating the sacred bread), and trust that He knows best and that His perspective is bigger. 

And so, when I hear preachers generalizing God’s way of healing (do this and the person will receive their healing…etc), it makes me wonder if sometimes we just want a magic formula, but that God despises that.  He hates it when we use his Presence to get what we want.  He wants relationship with us and it is only when we can trust Him, that we can fully hear what he wants to say to us – and that takes time to mature as people and is why we need the body of Christ to help us weigh the things we feel we are hearing from God.   

Lord, please forgive us when we try and use your Presence for our means, or when we presume Your will because of our fears.  Please help us to trust you and really hear what you are saying in each situation, laying our fears at Your feet.  Let us not presume your will, but knowing your heart, know that whatever the outcome, You are Faithful and Good and always will be.

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Other posts:

Is this God’s will?

Journaling as a Tool for Hearing God’s Voice

Teaching me to Trust

Addressing Spiritual ADHD with His Heartbeat

Journaling has become one of the main parts of my quiet times over the last month.  I had so many things I was seeking God about that I wanted to allow the time for Him to speak to me.  However, one of the main things He has said to me is to just lie on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

I am a doer.  I am a disciplined doer and I don’t just do things for the sake of it (having children and limited time has ensured that!) but even in my quiet times, I find myself trying to achieve something. 

I am trying to find more intimacy with God but I find myself trying to do things to achieve that.

So, perhaps not surprisingly, first on God’s heart to share with me was not about the answers to my many questions, but about His love and desire to be with His bride.  How he desired His bride to lie on His chest and listen to Him. 

I had a dream and I saw these words written: The Lord delights in the nations who listen to Him.  I looked them up when I woke up and they are not a specific verse, but they spoke to me about God’s aching desire for the nations to not be groping around in the darkness, but knowing His voice.  God desires for His bride to listen to Him. My personal response was to pray for wise prophetic voices to be raised up and listened to in all the nations of the world.  

One of the things that has been discovered about people with ADD or ADHD (difficulties in concentration and hyperactivity) is that their internal rhythms are out of sync.  They have no internal beat to guide them.  As a result, music and rhythm therapy can be incredibly helpful.  I wonder how many Christians have spiritual ADHD? They are so busy and distracted that they find it impossible to be still before God. Or is the reason that they have spiritual ADHD because they don't make time to listen to Him? 

Three weeks ago I was that ADHD Christian- distracted and hyperactive, finding myself completely out of sync with Him and feeling totally ineffective in prayer.

God spoke to me about rhythm:

Rhythm begins before a baby can even feel it – loud, overwhelming, overtaking rhythm.  It is a constant and consumes their world – the beat to their life and it is totally reassuring.

When a baby is born, often only a return to that beat will calm the child’s inner needs.  The baby can only fully relax, breathe and sleep deep when warmed and comforted by close skin-on-skin – melted back into one with the mother. The heartbeat calms, reassures and relaxes, lulling them like no other lullaby into the security to let go and be.

A toddler runs off and explores, discovery on top of frustration, on top of fatigue, running straight into a mother’s arms.  Laying against her chest, a calm ensues, a quiet listening.  A connection that soothes, recharges and refreshes, until later the busy toddler climbs down ready to run again.

A lover resting on her lover’s chest – time disappears.  A sudden mellowing in her body – a relaxation so deep that she realizes the many burdens she has been carrying – just how many stresses had been loaded upon her and stuck to her during the day.  Lying silently upon her lover, there is a calming deep within – an embrace of worth that answers that question: am I wanted? Am I loved? Am I?

How much more when you choose to rest your head upon the chest of the Divine Lover? God murmurs “shhhh” as all of your problems and anxieties melt into Him.  He holds you until you calm your spirit and you start listening to His heartbeat.  The warmth of His smile, the softness of His embrace, the joy of His Presence saturates your soul and enlivens your dulled spirit.  And you listen.  To begin with, the heartbeat seems intrusive and loud, until you calm right down and go with it.  Your breathing becomes deeper.  Your muscles relax and the rhythm begins to calm – a constant only you are aware of. 

Be still and Know that I am God, I will be exalted amongst the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

– Psalm 46:10

How can the desire of the Divine Lover be known amongst the nations, unless His people today will still themselves to spend time with their Lover?

Practical sidenote:

I actually found a relaxation app which plays a constant heartbeat sound very useful in calming my spirit to listen to His Spirit.  I used it as I focused on God in my quiet times and it enabled me to  still myself before Him and enjoy His presence.  

Connected blogposts: 

Journaling as a tool for Hearing God's Voice
Be Still 

Be still

My mind is cartwheeling

Be still, Be still

Know that Your Creator

Is waiting for you

My heart is bouncing

Be still, Be still

Know that Your Lover

Is laying next to you

My hands are anxious

Be still, Be still,

Know that Your Inspirer

Is present inside of you.

My body is deflating

Be still, Be still,

Know that Your Strength

Is rising up in you. 

Journaling as a Tool for Hearing God's Voice

Recently I have realised that I do not take enough time to ask God for His opinion.  I spend more time in prayer today than I ever have done, but when it comes to seeking God for specific answers to specific questions, I realize one of the reasons I don’t know God’s will is because I haven’t taken the time to ask. 

Now I am a bit cautious as I write this post to hold seeking God’s will in balance with ultimately seeking God.  Discovering God’s will is not meant to be another burden on the failing Christian’s to-do list.  But it is meant to be a natural consequence of seeking relationship with God and assuming He wants to lead us in our lives.

One of the ways I hear God most clearly and specifically is through journaling. Last week I brought all these questions I had to Him and I felt Him tell me that this week He wanted me to spend the majority of my quiet time, after reading Scripture, in journaling. 

Here is how I journal:

Firstly, I write to God.  I pour out my heart to Him.  I tell him my anxieties.  I ask Him questions.  I give thanks for specific things.  I tell Him how much my heart yearns for Him.  I confess my sin and cry out to Him to change my heart. 

Then, I still myself before the Lord.  I focus myself on Jesus, and I begin to write a letter back from God to me.  I don’t question everything I am writing at that point.  I simply write.  When I have finished, if there are specific directional things that have been written, I bring them to Mark or others in our leadership for accountability and to weigh them.  However, most of the time, God speaks to my heart issues.  He makes me see my insecurities, my judgments of others and my fears in His perspective.   He encourages me and speaks words of scripture to me. 

When I began the week, I was excited, thinking that I would now begin to hear answers to all my questions.  But instead, I have realized how many anxieties I have been sub-consciously carrying.  And as He addresses them, I have been totally drawn into His heart.  He has spoken to me about drawing close and leaning on Him and listening to His heartbeat.  I have had to slow down.  I have realized once again that much of my life and my quiet times are about doing – achieving.  Finishing a task or completing a prayer list or finishing a book.  And instead He wants me to just enjoy His presence. 

I am falling in love, all over again.

You do not have, because you do not ask God 

- James 4:2

Will you take some time to journal this week? 

(If this is your first time to journal, simply start by writing a love letter to God, and then writing a love letter back from Him.  Don't worry if it is God or not - just write and then go back and weigh it against Scripture and with accountability with a mature Christian afterwards.) 

Is this God's will?

In the last blogpost, I talked about the process of writing.  That post in itself has made me think about life and how often we take shortcuts when we are discerning God’s will for our lives…(If you haven’t read the last post, have a quick look now, it will make the later part of this post make a lot more sense!)

As I am growing in my relationship with God, I am learning how to discern His leading more and more.  And as I do, I keep asking, how can I go even deeper? How can I know what He wants me to do all the time and not just guess?

One of the things I have learned in the last few years is about patience and not making decisions under pressure.  There are few times since we moved to Peru five years ago when we have needed to make a rushed decision.  In fact, only one sticks out in my mind - that of moving out of our rented house and buying a new one.  It all happened in 13 days from idea conception to moving in, and God clearly guided the way.  He gave us hints, Bible passages, visions, total financial provision where there had been none, opened doors and miraculous happenings as confirmation that it was all Him. 

Other decisions we have to make are not so clear cut. 

Take travelling for example.  I always find it incredibly difficult to book flights because I never know when the right moment to book and the exact dates we should book. Mark is hoping to travel to the jungle every month next year, and we need to decide when he should travel on each trip.  Sometimes, perhaps it doesn’t matter, but on other occasions, it will.  Do we book earlier to get potentially cheaper prices, or do we wait?

What about logic? Of course, we can look at the calendar over the next year and look at key dates to avoid, we can see when it is most difficult for Mark to be away (over weekends), etc. But ultimately there are things we can’t foresee.  And, yes, I know there is grace for that, but I don’t want to just be limited to logic and grace! I want to live by relationship! Principles – trying to do the right thing, are good, but can become religious.  Relationship leads to life (and most definitely, an adventure!)

Bill Johnson says: “If you live by a principle, you will be right a lot.  If you live by the presence, you can be right all the time”.

I want to be right all the time! (And yes, not just because I was one of those kids at school who always wanted to be right, but because I actually want to have a relationship with God where I know His heart!)

This week Mark and I discussed visiting a jungle town I would love to visit again in January.  We both love the idea and had provisionally agreed to the idea with one another over the phone.  I then lay on the bed and started pondering the details of the trip and a voice came into my mind: ‘Have you actually asked Me if I want you to go on that trip? Have you asked My opinion?’.  

And no, we hadn’t.  What do you think? I asked, boldly.  It’s not my idea. Came the response.

Good idea? Maybe.  God idea? Nope.

And so I was reminded just how important it is for us to take time to ask God His opinion. (Didn’t the Israelites suffer from presumption too?) And for us to actively seek God’s will in our prayers.  To spend time (note the word ‘time’ here, not ‘a moment’) wrestling, thinking about, discussing, praying, and seeking confirmation for an idea. 

And so here is where the relationship to the last post comes in – how often do we include God in making our decisions? How often do we specifically acknowledge thinking and praying time (and actively engage in it) before we ‘write’ the plan? Or do we just do our research and then begin writing?

And God is reminding me too, that it isn’t my responsibility to find our His will – it’s His responsibility to show me.  My responsibility is to seek Him.   And to leave anxiety to one side.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

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Other blogposts on discerning God's will: 

1. When Doubt Means Wait

On enjoying the journey:

2. When I can't feel Him (Stop being a baby!)

3. An Unhurried Path

4. Selah   

Inspiration: thoughts on writing a blogpost...

The most helpful and inspiring workshop I ever went to at University was a voluntary one.  

Only 6 or so students turned up, all seeking the answer to the same question: How can we get top marks in our essays with this teacher? (From what I remember the class was on French existentialism!) 

I think we all expected to be pointed to key academic texts we could discover the answers to the varied essay questions in, or to be given a secret or two by the teacher. But as far as I recall, there was none of that.

Instead, the teacher told us that what distinguished a good essay from an excellent essay was inspiration.  She told us that too many students looked at an essay question, researched as much as they could and collected the information together into a fluid piece of writing.  Perhaps they spent hours doing this and then came back disappointed that the highest mark they could ever achieve was a 2:1. (a ‘B’ on the University marking scale).

She told us that if we wanted to write interesting 1^st grade essays then we needed to divide our essay writing into three parts:

1. Research,

2. Thinking time,  

3. Writing. 

She told us Starbucks was essential to essay writing. 

She told us that as much time should be spent thinking about the research we had done, with a notebook to jot down thoughts and questions, than should be spent with our head in our books.

Perhaps to others it had been obvious (although due to the lack of first grade essays, I doubt it!), but I had NEVER seen the importance of thinking time before.  Surely that was just procrastination?

That semester I wrote the first essay I enjoyed writing.  Sure, some of the delving through books was a bit monotonous, but interacting with the research and exploring my own ideas led me to really engage with the subject. For a week or two I pondered on and grappled with the different ideas; questioned the research I had read and put forward my own ideas and opinions. It was the easiest essay I wrote at University and it just flowed.  It was also the first essay I received a ‘first’ in.

And today, essentially, that is how I write:

1. Spending time with God and engaging with His word, reading and life experience (Research)

2. Pondering, questioning, praying and taking notes often over a week or two (Thinking time)

3. Bringing the thoughts together (Writing).

And that is how a blogpost usually comes together, generally over a week or two. 

First comes the living, then the resting in Him and then the writing. 

How do you engage with creativity in your life?

Do you have time to put in thinking time?

Blessed is the one…who meditates on his law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

    which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither –

    whatever they do prospers.

Psalm 1: 1-3 

Three ways to send your roots deep

Let me tell you a story…

Once there was an eagle who planted a shoot in fertile ground next to a river.  The shoot let its roots grow out towards the river, grew strong and became a fruitful vine, unmoved by any strong winds.  

Another eagle planted a shoot in land that was equally fertile, next to an equally abundant river.  This time however, the shoot sent its roots up towards the eagle, shallow and towards the top soil.  The plant soon withered and failed to grow, being lifted off when the winds came.  

( You might be surprised to find that this parable is actually in the Bible, in Ezekiel 17, and is a parable about what happens when a nation focuses on a strong, arrogant leader instead of God.) 

How I need to intentionally set my roots deep into Him!

How easy it is to let the distractions or strong winds of this life try to carry me away rather than stand against them.

How I need that manure-clad soil of experience of His faithfulness to nourish and encourage my soul in the face of a mocking Goliath.

I know I need deep roots, but what does that actually look like? 

I asked God to show me practically how to  keep my roots focused on Him and He graciously led me to Phillippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Three life-giving steps to having my mind and heart enveloped in Jesus:

1. Do not be anxious about anything

The temptation comes to be worried.  This week the temptation to accept fear at night with Mark being away. The devil trying to remind me of the robbery now over a year ago.  I choose to remember His faithfulness in the last few times Mark has been away – nights of peace and communion with Him.

2. by prayer and petition… present your requests to God

Reminded of the power of specific prayers.

Today praying for a week filled with Him, our family in good health all week, days filled with peace and His Spirit whispering the reminder 'I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.’

3. with thanksgiving 

Thanksgiving, thanksgiving, thanksgiving.

Thank you for this opportunity to spend more focused time with the children whilst half the team are away.  Thank you for the opportunity for Mark and the other half of the team to go and share God’s love in the jungle.  Thank you for your peace, and reminder once again of your protection and closeness in all.

Oh, Lord, that my roots would go deep into you this week!

And you reply so boldly!:

“whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:14)

Oh, let it be in me! 

Fruitful Tree image 

Restoring what the locusts had eaten

Today was a beautiful day.  It was a day where my spirit could not help but praise God.  It was a day of redemption.

Monday morning I dreamt of a huge insect sitting in a devastated field.  My son Joel (God has such a good sense of humour…) woke me and immediately I asked God what the insect was and the word ‘locust’ came to mind.  We spent Monday morning prayer time asking God to restore to us the things in our lives that the locusts had eaten.  (Joel 2)

Last week, God did a deep work of forgiveness in me as I blogged about then, and today I know why and just how deep it was. 

I was awoken at 2.15am by our friends, who were in labour with their first child.  Because the baby was breech-transverse and with a cord around the neck, there was no option but C-section and we raced through amber lights to the emergency of a small hospital in Lima centre.  My friend’s personal doctor was unable to attend the birth, and neither were any of her staff, so I had the privilege of being able to enter the operating room instead of her doctor (her doctor was going to have a non-medical role!!).  I was able to film the whole thing and support her and her husband during the different stages of the birth and post-natal bonding.

God set it up.

Judah (who lives up to his meaning ‘praise’) was programmed in to be born tomorrow.  Everything was set, and my friends’ doctor would be back in town.  But just over 24 hours early, right on his due date, Judah/God decided it was time. 

And I am humbled that I found favour with Him to be able to be part of the birth and support them through it all. 

And reflecting this evening, I saw just how much God had restored today.  He allowed my nearly identical but unprepared c-section experience in that same hospital just 14 months ago to pave the way for my friends’ preparation and my ability to help guide during the day.  And He also allowed me to see how much my attitude towards the medical staff had changed.  The fruit of the work of forgiveness in me. 

If today had happened before that forgiveness process I would have been in battle mode – trying to push my friends’ preferences on the doctors – trying to fight for them.  But instead, we prayed, I spoke up respectfully and kindly to the medical staff and God melted their hearts towards us and opened doors.  His peace surrounded the day. 

And God began to help me see my c-section birth in a different light too.  And snuggled up at bedtime tonight to my big 14-month old baby who is becoming a little boy, sensitive and calm and joyful, my heart began to be overwhelmed with thanks for everything God did for me during his birth.  Everything that I was too fearful, or angry or confused to be able to acknowledge at the time.  

And to see my dear friends at peace because God prepared them so well, and remembering Kaleb’s birth and the sacrifice that a c-section was for me at the time, makes me realize once again, that God’s perspective is so much greater. I am so glad that He knows best and that I submitted to Him in it all. 

‘I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten –
    the great locust and the young locust,
    the other locusts and the locust swarm–
my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
    and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
    who has worked wonders for you;

Joel 2:25-26

And today – I am full. 

When God Exposed My Unforgiveness

In the book of Judges, peace was only experienced AFTER a battle had been won. 

A battle had to be entered into first, to gain the ground that was Israel's by inheritance, but which had been lost by unfaithfulness and not holding true to God’s ways.

God started speaking to me in my quiet time on Monday.  He told me to grab a pen, and I assumed He would start talking to me about the things that were anxiously on my heart – He didn’t.  He started to talk to me more generally about peace and about areas where I had battled in my life.  

In those areas where I had battled and He had brought victory, I was in peace.  Those areas where I was still uneasy were areas where there were still battles to embrace.

He began to talk to me about the medical system here in Peru.  He told me I needed to write a list of all the health care professionals who I held something against.   

Now I have had two live births here in Peru, and one induced birth for miscarriage at 17 weeks, and I have had MANY encounters with health care professionals.  Most of them have been bearable, some have been surprisingly fine and at some I have suffered abuse that could have been taken to court in the UK. Humiliation and lack of consideration are reoccurring events. (*I would like to just write a quick sidenote to say that I have also had some gentle, tender, God-given care by some timely individuals too!)  

I had already started (and I thought, finished) the forgiveness process with those doctors who had been abusive.  However, I had never considered how my attitude towards medical staff here in general and my lack of trust had been leading me into many situations where I set myself up for a hard time.  I hadn’t realised how much the enemy had held me in fear because of that lack of trust whenever an occasion to visit a doctor arose, or when talking to others about medical care here.  

I then surprised myself by writing a list of 12 people (12! I would have guessed, maybe 3 at tops!) who, on recall, I could feel I still held something against.  I then realised how much I was not at peace with medical care in general here. 

The Lord, ever gracious, led me through a process of forgiving each person on my list and showed me that even the abusive ones, had not been intentionally so – their methods were questionable, but they were trying to get their job done as they deemed best. 

And then it dawned on me that many of the complaints in my life are due to unforgiveness. 

Whenever I complain, it shows I have not forgiven or extended grace to those who intentionally or unintentionally previously inconvenienced me. 

And I started to think about those things I complain about, or am tempted to complain about:  bad taxi drivers; ‘incompetent’ administrators; ‘slow’ shop attendants; a long wait in a restaurant; my children making a 'ridiculous' mess… – I am tempted to complain because of past experience and because I refused to extend grace to those people beforehand.  Ultimately, because of unforgiveness.

How can I leave my house hoping to love those in the world and reach out to them with God’s love if I go out in an attitude of distrust and complaint?

And what happens when I enter into the emotional ‘battle’ of forgiveness? I begin to live in peace.  God’s hand is upon me, and whatever situation I am in, I can trust He will fight for me.  My peace at the hospital won’t be dependent on the treatment of the staff, but rather on the Spirit living in me.  My peace in the taxi won’t be dependent on the driver, but on my Father’s protection.  My peace in my home won’t be dependent on my children’s behavior, but on His peace in my heart.

What are you tempted to complain about? Who do you need to forgive?

Love…keeps no record of wrongs

1 Corinthians 13: 5

In the trenches

Less than one hour to go and I was standing on a wall in our garden, toys overflowing from my hands, frustrated tears running down my cheeks in front of three men, feeling very silly.

I was feeling silly not because I was crying in front of three men, who probably felt more uncomfortable than I did at the tears, but because I KNEW that the reason I was feeling so overwhelmed was the enemy.  He was coming in and undermining me just before we began something new and was reminding me of all the stress in times past when our house was jammed full with children.  The enemy was reminding me of the cost, and not of the prize, of course, and in that moment I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for the garden to be run down, toys to be broken and lost, diffusing childishness, cleaning up mess…

That was 9.45am this morning before the first service of our new season started in our house.

Of course, as I knew even standing there having my mini-tantrum at 9am, everything went fine (in fact, it went amazingly well!).  But even as I took a moment after lunch to put a tired one year-old to bed 3 hours later than usual, I wondered if we would really have to do it all again next week.  Did we really have to have gatherings in our house, or in fact, anywhere, ever again? Was it really worth it?

But then I asked myself: What else would we do? What else are we here in Peru for, if not to reach out to others. And I know that if it wasn’t the hurdle of having lots of children running around it would be something else.  Nearly every time we advance in the kingdom there are emotional hurdles to jump first. 

The birthing pains of breakthrough.

And I felt like the disciples when Jesus asked them if they too wanted to turn back, and all I can answer is:  ‘Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.’ And there is nowhere else to go but forward!

And chatting with a dear Peruvian friend this afternoon who is the trenches once again with her family situations, I am once again reminded that the Christian life was never meant to be comfortable – it is meant to be war.

And today, battle weary and in the trenches, one foot in front of the other, we are winning.

Choosing to Wrestle

I hate being misunderstood.  I hate suspecting something about someone and having to wait in order to talk to them to get the truth.  I hate being in that uncomfortable place where what I am faced with or my thoughts are unresolved. 

Saturday was our ‘day off’ – I put that in inverted commas because really it was not a day off and really we need to stop looking at it like that because when you have three children under 6, you are blessed to get an hour or two off – a day a week would be unthinkable!

We decided to go into the nicer part of Lima to see the flower show announcing the beginning of Spring here.  We looked around at the beautiful flowers and the boys got restless and we thought about where we could go for a treat.  Knowing there was a doughnut house just around the corner, we suggested the idea to the boys whose eyes lit up and their energy renewed all of a sudden.

We ordered 7 donuts for the 5 of us because it was cheaper than buying 4 separately (Kaleb being 1, doesn’t need a whole one yet!), and we began to eat.

A girl and her brother stood beside us with a cup, begging inside the café.  I immediately felt angry for the children that their mother had sent them to beg on her behalf and looked around for the mother.  About 30 seconds later she appeared and demanded that we give our spare two donuts to the children.  Reacting to her indignant rudeness, we told her ‘no’ and she gathered up her children, cursing us as she left.

Now, our reaction was something that I have had to wrestle with a lot.  Mainly because I know that if I had not been put on the spot, and if she had asked politely, I would have gladly given her the donuts – in fact, I would have been happy to buy them all their own – but in that moment, when I was caught off guard, on our ‘day off’ what came out was in fact a rotten testimony of Jesus.  In reaction to her rudeness and our judgment of her, we were unable to get past that and reach out in the opposite spirit. I mean, Jesus’ words say in Luke 6:28-30:

 bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 

At the time I had felt set up.  I felt like the lady had seen our white skin, seen our children and assumed we had loads of spare money.  Didn’t she know we are not rich tourists? Then I felt bad because I knew the Jesus thing to do would have been to give them the donuts, despite the way she treated us, and I looked for her everywhere but she had gone.

A situation I would never be able to resolve.  

How very uncomfortable.

It left me with a choice.  Either to bury my shame and try and justify ourselves, or to wrestle with the uncomfortableness and let that lead me to think differently -  to have true repentance. 

Before I would have just ignored my feelings – too ashamed. This time I choose to wrestle.  Even writing about what happened here is part of that wrestling.

But as I began to wrestle with my attitude and my knee-jerk reaction (because God says what comes out of our mouth shows what is in our hearts), I see areas of my life that need some 180 degree repentance. 

  

And that I need to be prepared so I am not caught off guard.  

Firstly, I need to see my ‘day off’ as still a day when God can use me to minister and reach out to others – not just a day to switch off.  I need to be proactive in asking Him if there is anything special that He has for us that day, or even invite Him to use us on that day.  

Secondly, we need to create ‘extra’ in our lives specifically to be able to reach out to others – not harvest the edges of our field, so to speak, - for example, make sure we cook an extra meal or two so any unexpected visitors are welcomed not resented; to bring more food when we go to the park so we can share it with the other children around; set aside money aside from our tithe each month specifically to respond to situations that arise.

So now, although I hate the feelings of uncomfortableness I am choosing to wrestle with them until I get a resolution.  Until I see God break through and give me a response.  And even if I end up limping, like Jacob, I will seek God.