Choosing to Wrestle

I hate being misunderstood.  I hate suspecting something about someone and having to wait in order to talk to them to get the truth.  I hate being in that uncomfortable place where what I am faced with or my thoughts are unresolved. 

Saturday was our ‘day off’ – I put that in inverted commas because really it was not a day off and really we need to stop looking at it like that because when you have three children under 6, you are blessed to get an hour or two off – a day a week would be unthinkable!

We decided to go into the nicer part of Lima to see the flower show announcing the beginning of Spring here.  We looked around at the beautiful flowers and the boys got restless and we thought about where we could go for a treat.  Knowing there was a doughnut house just around the corner, we suggested the idea to the boys whose eyes lit up and their energy renewed all of a sudden.

We ordered 7 donuts for the 5 of us because it was cheaper than buying 4 separately (Kaleb being 1, doesn’t need a whole one yet!), and we began to eat.

A girl and her brother stood beside us with a cup, begging inside the café.  I immediately felt angry for the children that their mother had sent them to beg on her behalf and looked around for the mother.  About 30 seconds later she appeared and demanded that we give our spare two donuts to the children.  Reacting to her indignant rudeness, we told her ‘no’ and she gathered up her children, cursing us as she left.

Now, our reaction was something that I have had to wrestle with a lot.  Mainly because I know that if I had not been put on the spot, and if she had asked politely, I would have gladly given her the donuts – in fact, I would have been happy to buy them all their own – but in that moment, when I was caught off guard, on our ‘day off’ what came out was in fact a rotten testimony of Jesus.  In reaction to her rudeness and our judgment of her, we were unable to get past that and reach out in the opposite spirit. I mean, Jesus’ words say in Luke 6:28-30:

 bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.  Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 

At the time I had felt set up.  I felt like the lady had seen our white skin, seen our children and assumed we had loads of spare money.  Didn’t she know we are not rich tourists? Then I felt bad because I knew the Jesus thing to do would have been to give them the donuts, despite the way she treated us, and I looked for her everywhere but she had gone.

A situation I would never be able to resolve.  

How very uncomfortable.

It left me with a choice.  Either to bury my shame and try and justify ourselves, or to wrestle with the uncomfortableness and let that lead me to think differently -  to have true repentance. 

Before I would have just ignored my feelings – too ashamed. This time I choose to wrestle.  Even writing about what happened here is part of that wrestling.

But as I began to wrestle with my attitude and my knee-jerk reaction (because God says what comes out of our mouth shows what is in our hearts), I see areas of my life that need some 180 degree repentance. 

  

And that I need to be prepared so I am not caught off guard.  

Firstly, I need to see my ‘day off’ as still a day when God can use me to minister and reach out to others – not just a day to switch off.  I need to be proactive in asking Him if there is anything special that He has for us that day, or even invite Him to use us on that day.  

Secondly, we need to create ‘extra’ in our lives specifically to be able to reach out to others – not harvest the edges of our field, so to speak, - for example, make sure we cook an extra meal or two so any unexpected visitors are welcomed not resented; to bring more food when we go to the park so we can share it with the other children around; set aside money aside from our tithe each month specifically to respond to situations that arise.

So now, although I hate the feelings of uncomfortableness I am choosing to wrestle with them until I get a resolution.  Until I see God break through and give me a response.  And even if I end up limping, like Jacob, I will seek God.  

Do not be discouraged!

What do you struggle most with as a leader?

For me, one of the things I struggle with most leading with my husband our ministry here in Peru is discouragement. 

God speaks to us, we act, we encourage others, others are initially enthusiastic and then we get tired.  We are tempted to be led by how others are feeling instead of looking to God and remembering the vision He has given us.  It gets hard.  We get discouraged.

Recently, God has spoken to me through Deuteronomy 31.  Moses is about to hand his leadership onto Joshua, and he is to lead the unfaithful, emotion-led Israelites into the Promised Land. 

When the Israelites were faced with the promised land, God said more or less the same things to Israel and to Joshua through Moses, but with some important differences:

Compare these two passages and see the differences:

To the Israelites: ^‘The Lord will deliver them to you, and you must do to them all that I have commanded you.  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’

To Joshua: ‘Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’

What the people needed to hear was different from what the leader needed to hear in a couple of important ways.  The crowd needed to hear that God was with them, that He would never leave them.  Joshua need to hear something different to empower him.  He need to hear God would go ahead of him as well as with him.  And He needed to be told not to be discouraged. 

I didn’t even realize discouragement was a key strategy of the enemy in my life until I started reflecting on it.  But Moses’ words to Joshua empower me.

I have a role in not being discouraged.  I don’t have to just accept it.  I can and am encouraged to face it head on.  When it rears its lying head, I can look to the Lord and ask Him to remind me of the vision.  I can ask Him to bring the breakthrough for the moment.  I can seek him for a word to move forward.  I don’t have to just accept it or even worse, agree with it. 

This post has been a couple of months in the writing.  I have had over a month in the last two months without free time to write with Mark being away, but honestly, I think in part I have also been discouraged.  I wonder if what I have to say is worth the time it takes to invest in writing a post.  I wonder if other things are more important.  Perhaps they are sometimes.  But I also know that God wants to use my writing, and so isn’t the enemy trying to discourage that just another subtle strategy of his?

Generally I find a post just flows and at the moment, it is not, and that makes me want to give up, but wisdom tells me that the biggest obstacles come just before a breakthrough! So even if this post comes out jagged and hindered, I am choosing to post it – knowing that sometimes just moving forward means one step closer to breakthrough!

I am choosing not to be discouraged because now I know that more often than not, it is the enemy trying to discourage me rather than God trying to slow me down.  His promptings to slow down always come in the form of encouragements to seek Him more, not just to give up!

So for those of you who are leaders today:

 

‘Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’