Learning trust from the flamingos

Be like flamingos

Standing in the sea

Fish in abundance

Whenever food-time be

There is no need to flutter

Create a feathery fuss

The fish go streaming by

They’ll always be enough

They don’t cram each last fish

Into their darkened beaks

Instead they wait patiently

To claim one within their reach

As you start your day today

Don’t forget to wait

For the provision God has in store for you

It will never be too late

Don’t grab at fish in your own strength

There really is no need

For fish there are a plenty

When it is time for a quick feed.

If I...

If I homeschool to win love, I become disappointed when the children don’t engage with my activities or my plan.

If I homeschool through love, I am patient, encouraging and persevering, and willing to change the plan.

If I cook to win love, I feel it has been pointless if someone does not like the food, or criticizes a part of it.

If I cook through love, I am satisfied that hungry mouths are fed and any complaints are between them and God.

If I love my husband to win love, I feel resentful, cheated and justified in angry words when he doesn’t respond in the way I hoped.

If I love my husband through love, I am able to truly love, no matter how he responds or how long it takes for him to receive that love.

If I do the washing up to win love, and no one notices or acknowledges it, I feel unappreciated.

If I do the washing up through love, I remember that what is done in secret, my Heavenly Father will reward.

If I speak to win love, my words become messy and I say too much, trying to convince others of my point of view.

If I speak through love, I spend more time listening and only humbly offer an encouraging word or a timely challenge.

If I teach to win love, I forget that the Spirit has a purpose for each person listening and I try to impress rather than listen closely to His prompting.

If I teach through love, the talk flows surprisingly and despite my efforts, people connect with something I thought insignificant.

If I lead others to win love, hoping they’ll respect me more or recognize how gifted I am, I feel ashamed at the emptiness when I begin to pray, and I am scared to release others least they become better than me.

If I lead others through love, I see divine appointments happen, people released into their destinies and raised up to go beyond anywhere I could go – I see a legacy in heaven.

Oh, Lord, please only let me look to you to win love!

An Unhurried Path

Often I think the destination is the goal -

The thing most important.

I have got it all wrong.

It is not the end result that matters to God

As so much as the journey on the way.

Am I willing to unhurry down the path?

Will I acknowledge the wisdom to be found on the way?

Can I learn from the splendor of the wise deep marks,

In the solid steady trees,

(Once delicate shoots hopeful in the soil)?

Will I uncover the stones and discover a momentary world

Just for me?

Will I fear the oncoming darkness,

Or will I look to where the light is blending,

Dancing off the trees?

Can I still myself to hear not only

The many birds calling each other to rest

But also to hear My Creator’s same urging:

“Desist and learn that I am God”?

Calling and Completion

Just over a year ago, I felt strongly that God wanted me to pursue writing – that He wanted to use me in the future to write books and share with others.

I was excited. He wanted me to write a book?

I read up as much as I could about writing a book; I began writing two books and felt the Holy Spirit flow through me. How long would it take to write a book? A year? I knew if I was to look at getting it published it would take even longer. I talked to the Holy Spirit. That felt like a long time. He showed me the story of Abraham and the 14 years between the promise God gave him and its full completion in the birth of Isaac.

14 years. Wow.

I felt God say that he was pleased that I was embracing my calling and exercising the gift He had placed in me, but that it would be a long time before there were books completed or published in anything other than my own strength.

Why? I dared to ask.

He made it very clear:

‘Anna,’ He said, ‘You are like a puppy dog – and I love that – all excited and enthusiastic! But there is no way you are ready to go outside yet. With all that excitement and no maturity, you would run off and get hurt – I have to train you first to be 100% obedient to my voice – to stay by my side at all times, no matter what entices you, and that is a process.’

I felt humbled, yet relieved! How hasty I had been and how wise is our God?! It is true – I am not ready to have any literary success, in whatever form that is. I seek other’s affirmation too much. I am emotionally manipulated by the opinions of others. I find part of my value still in how other’s see me. And that is too dangerous. That is too big a stumbling block for the devil to stick in my way.

Friday, I began reading Ann Voskamp’s ‘Blogger’s Prayer’ and it is my prayer too. I want this blog to NEVER be about winning anyone’s affirmation but God’s. And I want it to be happily written for an audience of One – and only by God’s grace, anything other than that.

A gift from God

‘The treasure is hidden

Now go and find

The secrets wrapped up’

Tenderly, excitedly, seductively

I run laughing to find them

Amongst the dewy trees

Amongst the Spring flowers

Laying by the canal

Primroses yellow and buttercups

The heaviness of hay tickling my nose,

Bunnies peeking then scampering into burrows.

I find the present amongst the sparkling grass

All shiny silver with a metallic blue bow,

Competing with the glittering grass

Holding it in my hand, I stare at it, smiling,

And then pull one bow tip.

The knot comes undone slowly

I feel the rough silver tread in the blue bow on my fingertips

The silver paper comes away and inside is

A large jar

Full of beautiful butterflies.

I hold them up to the light

The rays bounce off the magical dusty colours

I know not whether to

keep them in the jar

To try and keep the beautiful gift

Or let them go.

But really, I know, I have to let them go,

Because if I don’t they will die.

I twist the lid and the butterflies hover calmly

Before fluttering all around me.

They are not scared

They just flutter and rest on my arms

One settles on the back of my hand

And I see the turquoise glint

In the royal blue shapes.

Then they fly, high,

The wings flapping goodbye and thank you

And I am left in awe.

Enough

I have been listening to a great new album recently: Shaun Groves Third World Symphony. One track, Enough, based on Proverbs 30:7-9, is my personal favourite. Take a moment to click here and listen to it now. (You may need to scroll down a bit to get to it).

The first time I saw Proverbs 30:7-9 written inside the cover of a Bible of a young Nepalese pastor, I had to look it up to check it out for myself. I couldn’t believe it could be a Bible verse – it went so against the years of preaching I had heard about asking for and expecting riches.

Two things I ask of you, O LORD;

do not refuse me before I die:

Keep falsehood and lies far from me;

give me neither poverty nor riches,

but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you

and say, 'Who is the LORD?'

Or I may become poor and steal,

and so dishonour the name of my God.

At the time, I couldn’t pray that prayer. Surely it would go against any riches God wanted to give me?

Fast forward seven years and we live by faith, in Lima, Peru, working amongst the poor. Each month we have no idea where the money will come from to cover our expenses or to cover any extras (e.g. thieves robbing US$2000 of electrics out of car etc…!) Sometimes large amounts of money come in unexpectedly and we feel excited that we may be able to buy something special, but nearly always, some large unexpected cost comes in, and we are left with just enough.

But ´just enough´ is such a western way of looking at it!!

If we have $5 to spare at the end, then God has actually blessed us with more than enough!

I love the fact that God’s provision so often confirms our decisions to do or buy something we have been prayerful about. It is hard on the western ‘I want it now’ mentality, but so rich in blessing when God does provide so exactly.

God never promised to provide for tomorrow’s banquets, but he is so faithful in providing today’s bread.

Now, I love the prayer of Proverbs 30:7-8 because it keeps my eyes on Him.

It means our finances are not about my comfortableness, but relationship.

Are you in a place where you can pray the prayer of Proverbs 30:7-8?

_____________________________________________________

Here are some other interesting links I have seen recently on the poverty riches issue:

http://networkedblogs.com/nwaVD

http://www.missionfrontiers.org/issue/article/projecting-poverty-where-it-doesnt-exist

Teaching me to trust

I’ve asked you to teach me to trust you:

I awake all stuffy and full of cold.

A tea to relieve the grogginess

Burns a scar into my arm

I cry bitterly

After screaming chillingly

And you use it to teach me to trust you?

I know your kingdom works

Upside down and inside out

I know your ways are not mine

But I marvel at how a burn

So carefully orchestrated

Can be used to teach me to trust.

Is it true you are behind the ugly beautiful?

It is true you use pain and suffering to show us grace?

The more I suffer

The more I feel it is your grace

It has to be

Because it is so beautifully orchestrated

Not a drop of steaming tea

On the babe nursing at my left

(The right side

A direct hit

On a newborn face)

(Ten minutes before;

A harsher burn)

(A different angle;

A more sensitive part of my body.)

You showed me love

In the form of community

The baby held

My arm mopped

A wet rag wrung out

Reapplied

A little boy´s heart

Desperate to make up for the mistake

Bringing me satsumas

Vitamin C

‘Aids in healing’

Reads sign on fridge

Is it true that you are behind the ugly beautiful?

Is it true that you use pain and suffering to show us grace?

The more I suffer

The more I feel it is your grace

It has to be

Because it is so beautifully orchestrated

Facing up to C section disappointment

Facing up to my disappointments with Kaleb’s birth being a C-section, I have been thinking about Jesus’ decision to go to the cross.

We were given the decision to continue trying for a natural breech birth with Kaleb, or transfer for a C section. In prayer, we felt God telling us the only way forward was a C section, and in obedience we agreed to the transfer, that probably saved his life (the cord was around his neck and too short to allow him to come down naturally). At the moment of decision, we had a choice between life and death. Obedience and death to desires; or disobedience and physical death. It was a choice that wasn’t a choice!

Jesus too, chose to go to the cross, given the choice that really wasn’t a choice considering the outcomes!

But the fact that we chose the C-section, and Jesus chose the cross does not mean there was no trauma involved. It does not mean there was no suffering. It just gave meaning to the suffering. Even in Jesus’ resurrected body, the holes in his hands were still there – a reminder of the cost of his resurrection.

I am very grateful for Kaleb’s life and to God for guiding us in the process of his birth. But, as I wrote about in the previous post about binding, part of the healing process for me is speaking out the pain in order to give it over to God. Since writing the following poem, I have felt cleansed from much of the hurt I felt about the surgery. I thought very hard about publishing this poem, as it is very personal, but I know that other women have had to deal emotionally with having C-sections and the feelings of loss associated with that, so for that reason, I have decided to publish it. It was not my intention to be negative or ungrateful about the C-section, but to be real and recognize that my God is strong enough to bind me as I heal!

Like a lamb led to the slaughter

Laid on back

Arms strapped down

Stripped naked

Shivering helplessly

Drugged

Hidden behind a blue screen

In that moment no care for the baby

I just wanted the assault to be over

Perhaps it would be better to just be asleep.

Think positively.

Why are images of palm trees flooding my mind?

Is it over yet?

It was only your sharp, squeaky cry that managed to cut through my indifference and cause tears to run down my cheeks – tears I couldn’t wipe away.

´Kiss him´

An order.

A drugged kiss upon a forehead I could hardly see. A hazy view.

Then gone. Whisked away.

That was it.

That was the birth.

Left all alone in a room full of masked men arguing over the date of your arrival.

0:01 August 6^th 2011.

Someone else comforting my baby.

Someone else catching his first glimpses.

Someone else attending to him.

Laid out alone without you.

The only part of me covered: the breasts that should have been nursing you.

Calming voices telling me to breathe

I want to scream.

As a sheep before her shearers is silent

I breathe and the shivering diminishes for two seconds

Endless minutes of numbness

How long does it take to sew it all up?

Why won’t someone get me a blanket?

Why is my baby not with me?

I am wheeled away to the ´recovery´ room

Two ladies talk harshly and tell me to stop shivering.

They give me a blanket but keep removing it to check the bleeding

The shivering swells and quells and I am all alone

´Shake your legs´ the women bark

I try.

´When can I leave?’

‘No talking. When you can shake your legs.’

I want to get out of here. Where are those who can speak kind words?

All my shivers dissolve into forcing my legs into action

Ever so slowly they respond.

´Right. Shift yourself onto this bed´

They push and pull and I am onto the bed and wheeled away along cold empty midnight corridors

I would like to say my first moments with my baby were beautiful

But I don’t remember much of when they brought him to me.

I remember he nursed straight away and looked at me briefly.

I remember that my eyes would not stay open and flickered helplessly.

I remember the relief that they reunited us straight away.

I remember refusing to let them take him away again.

The surgery rescued my baby from probable death

It was his only way out

The ‘decision’ to go to the cross

The choice of life or death

Does not negate the suffering

It just validates it

After the suffering of his soul,

He will see the light of life and be satisfied

ISAIAH 53:11