Would I eliminate loss?

One of the questions one is tempted to ask when loss happens is ‘Why?’ and often more personally, ‘Why me?’ As you may have read on my ‘Will You Carry Me?’ Website, it is actually a question I chose not to ask when Solomon died, but I am aware that it is a very common response to loss of any kind. We seek to find answers, and with a loss like a miscarriage or stillbirth, that question is often left unanswered.

But maybe, a more helpful question, if you choose to go down that route, is ‘Why not me?’

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading Jerry Sittser’s book ‘A Grace Disguised.’ It is a very contemplative look at loss in general (he lost his mother, wife and youngest daughter in one day in a car accident). One of the chapters of his book is called ‘Why not me?’ Jerry questioned why it was that he, a relatively good man had lost so much, whilst the drunk-driver who caused the accident failed to be brought to satisfactory justice. Often we seek justice, he comments, but the reality is, we would hate to live in a world which was completely just – then there would be no room for God’s grace.

If every bad thing I did was held against me forever, and only bad things happened to bad people and good things to good people, where would there be room for the lavish grace of God?

So would I eliminate loss?

No.

Although I don’t get to see Solomon grow up here, I know that actually his death will be completely redeemed and I will just have to be patient until I get to meet him in Heaven. (Please don’t assume I am happy he died, or that it wasn’t painful, but just that I understand there is a greater perspective and redemption of all things in heaven for those who love Jesus.) And, as I talked about in the last post – the very fact that I had to face death has given me with a life I hadn’t known before. In the face of loss, I have received heaps of God’s undeserved grace.

‘So, God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering’ - A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

Being Alive

One of the things I have experienced since Solomon’s death, (and read that it is common after a loss) is an overwhelming feeling of being alive. When I first saw my living children after finding out Solomon was no longer alive inside my womb, they seemed so vivid to me. They were so fascinating – so spiritually real. Not because they were my children, but because they were unaffected by the news – they carried on oblivious to it whilst I felt like my head had been hit with a sledgehammer!

Facing death has made me realize more about what being alive means. I don’t mean in a clichéd theoretical way (‘at least I’m still alive, be grateful for that’) but that I FEEL more alive in my soul and my spirit. Areas of my life I took for granted before, I now see the value of. I feel like I now understand why Jesus said a man had to die if he was going to follow Him. It is only when we face and embrace death do we realize the joy and power in true life. Before Solomon’s death, I would have counted the cost and compromised on much, but now I am so much more focused on the importance of now. Choosing to be alive to and invest in as many moments as possible.

Jesus’ words no longer sound harsh and hard to me, but wise and with a hidden mystery that is only discovered as we embrace his words:

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.” - Luke 9:23-24

Receiving blessing

Last night someone told me they had a vision of a house with open doors and ducks. Little did they know, they were describing my dream house as a child. My dream house would have one of those split stable– kitchen doors that lead onto the garden, with a river at the bottom. I dreamed of having white ducks in the garden, paddling in the river or wandering into the kitchen.

(photo by Zenera)

It seemed weird to be reminded of this. It made me feel uncomfortable about my worldly desires. And let's face it, in reality, keeping ducks would probably be rather messy and impractical! But I felt God saying he wants to awaken me to something more. It is not about getting my dream house or seeking after that, but it is about being willing to accept blessings from heaven.

Because we work with some very poor people here in Peru, even having a lovely house and all that we need and more seems uncomfortable at times. But I know that God chose this house for us, that it is essential for our ministry and lastly, HE WANTED TO BLESS US! Why do I find that so uncomfortable?

I think it is partly the unease I feel towards a prosperity-type Gospel that I interpret (perhaps wrongly) to mean ‘seek after wealth’ instead of Matthew 6:33. I don’t like the idea of demanding things from God, and I find it is perhaps even dangerous, when it leads us to feeling faithless when we don’t have it.

But on the other end, can I enjoy and grateful and gracefully receive the blessings God does want to pour out on my life?And recognise that ultimately they are to be a blessing to others too?

I guess it starts with a place of inner contentment and humility (both of which are constant struggles.) If I am content with what I have now, then any blessing is truly a blessing, an undeserved gift from a Loving Father.

And if I am truly going to bless those we minister to, I first have to be blessed – I can’t draw water from a dry well.

Where is God asking you to receive an undeserved blessing from Him?

How does He want you to bless others out of the blessing you have received?

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33